Wow. So, I just read through all of my old blog posts and I must say I’m quite impressed with myself. I wrote almost every day about something new, something exciting, something humorous. I was pretty damn good! I don’t know why I ever stopped! But I just came across one of my very first blog posts that was about the fitness craze and all of the pet peeves that go along with it. In one of them, I describe people who post every picture of their deadlift or squat on instagram and their entire routine. I talk about how these are the same people who cease to run a 5k or train for a half marathon. I’m a hypocrite. I admit it. Because I fell into that same exact trap. It became addicting, hitting all those “PRs” (I talk about that too). I stopped running for a while and did little cardio for my “gains”. I walked around with bigger muscles and wanted to go heavier and heavier. Wow. I feel kind of shitty for saying that. I became exactly what I said I didn’t like. It’s kind of a shame…I mean I’m not dumping on these people. They have incredible strength but I need to remember MY roots. They have trained for countless hours and committed themselves to the sport of powerlifting or weight lifting. I on the other hand need to remember that I have committed myself to countless hours on the road both running and biking with lifting as a supplement. Those people wcouldn’t compete with me, nor I with them! Wow, I’m glad I read that post. After this injury is said and done I cannot wait to get back to running long distance. I miss that rush. I miss that high. I just want my body back.
It has been quite some time since my last entry on here. Probably over a month, yeah. Apologies about that but…life gets in the way you know? Anyway, so I just feel like writing this all down today because I need these thoughts out on paper….”paper” as opposed to swirling around inside my own head.
First things first, I’m injured. It’s awful. It’s been present for about 5 days now. It’s been lingering for well over a week and though the pain seems to be fading it’s still quite bothersome. I can’t run, I can’t squat, I can’t bike. It’s a hip flexor/joint injury. I’m chalking it up to running on tight hips and loading too much weight on without properly stretching before squats. Hopefully this will heal in the next few days, maybe not to 100%, but by mid October I’d like to be running my usual mileage again.
This means I may not be able to participate in the Hartford Half…something that kind of saddens me. I’ve wanted to run in this race for a while now, but I don’t want to perpetuate the injury. Sigh, decisions, decisions.
Anyway, so that’s kind of a pain in the ass and I’m letting it rest and getting enough stretching in but every morning I wake up and put weight on it it seems worse. It gets better after morning time and worse at evening. I just want to be able to jump out of bed and go, you know? Come on body! Heal quicker!!! This also means that I haven’t been able to play tennis with nmy dad for a bit. We’ve developed a routine of waking early and going to the high school to play. I’m hoping by next week I’m able to get out there. I really miss the fresh morning air and running around…
Secondly, school has begun for college kids which means the gym is packed. ALL THE TIME. Mostly with guys standing around the mirrors flexing and admiring but…whatever. It just means more maneuvering. It’s also frustrating not to lift heavy. So…frustrating…
I’ve been on the hunt for a full time job for a while now. I have two part time restaurant jobs that treat me well, but again I’ve been out of both for over a week due to my hip. I don’t want to work in a restaurant for the rest of my life…it’s just an in between job and although I love the people there it’s not something I want to make my career, you know? Sigh…
It’s crazy. Employers want people who are “experienced” but they don’t seem to understand that there’s no such thing as an “experienced college student”. And guess what? All of those internship opportunities? YEAH THEY’RE BULLSHIT. I’m not learning how to push papers and file here guys. It’s aggravating. It doesn’t help us actually learn the details and nuts and bolts of the job we want. Half the time we end up choosing a different path than we had initially intended entirely anyway.
So last thing…my baby boy comes back in October. He’s been gone for over 8 months for the National Guard. He was in SC for basic and Virginia for his MOS training. I cannot WAIT to see him. Partially because I miss him to death, but also because I’m so FUCKING tired of men who think it’s OK to hit on women with boyfriends. They think they’re being cute by trying to “steal” our hearts away. NO. LEAVE US ALONE. WE’RE IN RELATIONSHIPS. FUCK OFF. You’re not charming. You’re only mildly attractive on the surface. You’ve faded. You don’t know me and never will. You’ll never have my heart.
I’ll see ya’ll on the flip side
So, I haven’t revealed what I really go through on a day to day basis, but I’m about to tell you all a whole helluva lot about myself…and what it’s like to be inside my head. ‘Ere goes.
The thing about depression is it never really goes away. It’s just a lingering air of empty feelings that you can’t locate, not even with a microscopic lens and all of the technology in the world. It’s not like chicken pox, where it can be cured. It’s more of a slow forming disease. It begins with its physical debilitation, cutting off all feeling from your extremeties and then slowly moves towards the emotional receptors in your brain which begin to shut down. Everything becomes blank. You no longer are happy with simple pleasures like food or good sex or a good book to read. It becomes a chore. Mundane tasks are obstacles, an avalanche. The slightest wrong tone in somebody’s voice can make you feel as though you’ve just committed murder. Worthless.
It’s worse because if you’re anything like me, you also most likely struggle with anxiety. Anxiety and depression are highly associated and often are never far apart. They play off one another and compound until you’re really just a manic anxious depressive individual. You think about how depressed you are which makes you anxious, which then makes you even more depressed and you then get so fed up that you do something you regret on impulse. You become numb to feeling. Numb to sensation both mental and physical. Feeling blank is something you’re too familiar with. Often happy moments are quickly trampled by impending doom of the future.
Depression is never an easy thing to explain. It leaves your tongue tied and your palms sweaty. Trying to explain to somebody who says “but I don’t get it…why are you so depressed? Just stop being depressed?” is like pulling teeth. You have everything you’ve ever wanted, right? So why are you sad? Oh, it’s just a phase, right….no. Depression lingers. It stays with you. It has triggers. Those triggers are small, but they are powerful. They can send you into the abyss, void of emotion, entirely obsolete. You become fluid in your motion, day in and day out that nothing has meaning, or purpose. The reason for your existence ceases to be a question. You contemplate what it would be like if you were to die, but then again, you kind of enjoy your ho hum life. So you stick around in the hopes that something better will arrive and you remain in limbo floating through until that day never comes. It never comes.
It doesn’t have to be traumatic either. You don’t need a death in the family. Or reasons really at all. You don’t need a script or rubric. It just happens. Sometimes it is caused by something else, and other times it may just be a wholly apathetic and unsatisfied outlook on life. That second one seems to confuse people. “But why? Life is soooo great!” As Mr. Hemingway said, “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” Not to say we’re all martyrs and self depricators…we just can’t control it, really…
Having depression is a weight. A weight that may lessen and grow, it might disappear for a week or two, and become shielded by a false hope that everything will be okay again. A false sense of security perhaps being the most disheartening feeling. You spend time doing what you love, being with those that care for you, attempting to live a fulfilling, purposeful life. Yet you have that plague. That weight. A crowded room with empty stares. A full house with nobody home. A heavy heart and a blank mind.
This isn’t everything guys, perhaps just one part of two or three. But this is just a taste of what depression feels like.
People I want phased out:
Low talkers who think you’re sitting right next to them so they talk to themselves and down into their shirt
People who walk slow in restaurants admiring the scenery and taking it all in. I’m hungry, move. As a server, my customers are hungry, so move. You came here to eat, right?
People who are constantly thinking about food and how it rules their entire life. Food rules my life too, I love to eat, but not in a “I have to eat clean and measure everything out or else I’m doomed” kind of way. Food is not meant to have numbers. Just fucking eat without guilt.
People who tap their feet on the floor when they sit behind you
People who tap their credit cards on the table while waiting for the cashier to finish ringing them up
People who like to throw big words into conversations that would otherwise never be used in regular conversations, only to look cool
The “Ums” and “like” people
Old people who stare at young people when an inch of flesh is showing
Young people who act as if the world is their stripping stage
Overly conscious and calculated fitness nerds who post everything on every social media site and feel entitled.
To go along with that, fitness enthusiasts who feel that they are somehow “certified” to teach/train other people.
People who don’t move out of the way when you’re card shopping. Or when you need just that one carton of orange juice that they happen to be conveniently standing in front of
People who come to dine in ten minutes before the restaurant closes and feel it is their right to eat whenver they want as long as the sign says “open”
I think that’s it for now. I know I’ll think of more later in the next hour.