The Coffee Runner

Staying sane one cup of coffee at a time


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I’m baaaaaaack

Oh…hello there. I have returned to Earth from the deep soils of life and death. I’ve been busy wandering through this terminal disease and staring blankly into nothingness. But I, the great host to all things sarcasm, coffee and fitness has returned! On that note, I hope all is well with everyone in the blog community and props to those upholding a current blog. You all clearly have better time mamagement skills that me. That, or your priorities are in line. Or maybe you just sit on your PC for ten hours at a stretch. It’s all good, etiher way…I commend you.

So, no more babbling, let’s get to it. I need to start blogging again, every day if I can. (Make that a 2015 goal, huh?) I want my posts to mean something, to be intuitive and thought provoking. I want my fingers to move across keys like gliding…wait…no more poetic malarky. Sorry. AHEM! My posts are going to consist of mainly puzzling/bizzarre and comical life situations we all find ourselves in. These are situations that happen daily, all the time, to everyone. Not many people realize it, or pay attention to notice what’s going on around them, but I do. Call it a sixth sense maybe, but I can detect when somebody is feeling uncomfortable, or when someone doesn’t seem to register that ordering fifty five cupcakes and eight cappuccinos while there’s a line of twelve people behind you is not socially acceptable. BUT IT HAPPENS, RIGHT? Think about it. You’re in your car waiting for a parking spot and you’re about to steal that one, RIGHT there, and then Chuckie Mcgee zooms right in, BOOM. You’re screwed. Or when you make a bee line to one specific item in a grocery store (often something archaeic, organic, or otherwise an unknown ingredient in cooking cuisine) and five people flock to gather around it as if it’s the last one on Earth.  It happens guys.

As much as I want to deliver comic relief, I also intend for this to provide factual information on certain topics. Currently, this will include drug and alcohol addiction and treatment as well as the psychology behind addiction. I’ve had a change in thinking after understanding that a close family of mine had suffered, and is still suffering from this disease. Yes, it is a disease. But more on that later…

I’ve been reading more, and when I read, I am voracious. I devour books. It’s like a binge and purge type thing with me. I should brecome more consistent, maybe another goal for 2015.?

This will still remain a place for satire and laughs. I will offer my opinion on current events that I find absurd or tittilating. (hah) But as much as I want to maintain my comic audience (if any), I want this to be a place where my thoughts can grow without interruption. I want people to learn from this blog and to consider life from the other side of the road. It’s an all encompassing blog, really, and more so a place where I can let my thoughts wander, sans eight different people gathering around and waiting to pluck it from its source.


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Also

Also, I haven’t drank this entire week due to the duathlon. I usually like to cleanse my body and prepare it for a rigorous athletic event. So, I haven’t drank in three days. I usually have a drink every night just to unwind and relax (when you work in a restaurant, it’s beyond necessary), but I’ve cut all alcohol and/or any other substances out to make sure my body can operate at peak level come Sunday.

With that being said, I think I’ll enjoy going without a drink for a while. When I finally do decide to have one, it’ll feel great and relaxing. I think I might actually hold out until I go visit my boyfriend down in VA. That, or on my mother’s birthday, the 25th of this month. Either way, it’ll have been about two weeks on my mom’s birthday and it’s a celebration so…why not? Right?

On another related note, I’ve found lately that I’m not in fact as boring as I thought I was. I used to think that in order to be interesting, you needed to go out all the time and spend time with a lot of people. Not true. I’m an incredible introvert and have always felt slightly out of place in larger crowds. I love my friends and I enjoy good company, but at the right times and places. If that means going a few weeks without seeing my close pals, so be it. I’d rather see them once every month and have something meaningful to discuss rather than go out every night binge drinking and laughing without any real conversational depth.

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve noticed lately that working in a restaurant sort of takes away a person’s personal interests and hobbies. The restaurant consumes them. Their outlet is a strong drink or cigarette to get them through the next shift. I don’t want to become that person who needs substance to function or deal with my stress. It’s not healthy. I’ve noticed a lot of the people I work with choose that outlet. It’s cool, and they’re no less of a person but I’ve realized that a lot of them don’t carry any aspirations other than working at a restaurant. I mean, what fun is that? Drinking every night? Years go by and then all of a sudden you find yourself at 30 with no degree and no real work experience other than compensating a meal and cleaning up a kid’s spaghetti spill. I don’t know, I mean…like I said, time and a place for that sort of thing. It gets tiresome and lonely surrounding yourself with people who are constantly in a drunken/buzzed hazed. It makes you feel self conscious about NOT doing that kind of thing. I have actual hobbies though! I work out, I read, I play guitar, I write, I play tennis, basketball, run, bike, hike, draw…I do stuff. It’s that simple. I used to think all of that was boring and that I was some kind of creature from the other world. That’s not true…I’m the interesting one in this scenario. I’m the one who actually has a direction, who knows what they like and doesn’t need other people to validate my interests.

Sorry, that kind of turned into a long rant. There’s nothing wrong with drinking or going out. But please, if that’s all you do? You should re evaluate your priorities a bit.


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My Battle with Depression

So, I haven’t revealed what I really go through on a day to day basis, but I’m about to tell you all a whole helluva lot about myself…and what it’s like to be inside my head. ‘Ere goes.

The thing about depression is it never really goes away. It’s just a lingering air of empty feelings that you can’t locate, not even with a microscopic lens and all of the technology in the world. It’s not like chicken pox, where it can be cured. It’s more of a slow forming disease. It begins with its physical debilitation, cutting off all feeling from your extremeties and then slowly moves towards the emotional receptors in your brain which begin to shut down. Everything becomes blank. You no longer are happy with simple pleasures like food or good sex or a good book to read. It becomes a chore. Mundane tasks are obstacles, an avalanche. The slightest wrong tone in somebody’s voice can make you feel as though you’ve just committed murder. Worthless. 

It’s worse because if you’re anything like me, you also most likely struggle with anxiety. Anxiety and depression are highly associated and often are never far apart. They play off one another and compound until you’re really just a manic anxious depressive individual. You think about how depressed you are which makes you anxious, which then makes you even more depressed and you then get so fed up that you do something you regret on impulse. You become numb to feeling. Numb to sensation both mental and physical. Feeling blank is something you’re too familiar with. Often happy moments are quickly trampled by impending doom of the future.

Depression is never an easy thing to explain. It leaves your tongue tied and your palms sweaty. Trying to explain to somebody who says “but I don’t get it…why are you so depressed? Just stop being depressed?” is like pulling teeth. You have everything you’ve ever wanted, right? So why are you sad? Oh, it’s just a phase, right….no. Depression lingers. It stays with you. It has triggers. Those triggers are small, but they are powerful. They can send you into the abyss, void of emotion, entirely obsolete. You become fluid in your motion, day in and day out that nothing has meaning, or purpose. The reason for your existence ceases to be a question. You contemplate what it would be like if you were to die, but then again, you kind of enjoy your ho hum life. So you stick around in the hopes that something better will arrive and you remain in limbo floating through until that day never comes. It never comes.

It doesn’t have to be traumatic either. You don’t need a death in the family. Or reasons really at all. You don’t need a script or rubric. It just happens. Sometimes it is caused by something else, and other times it may just be a wholly apathetic and unsatisfied outlook on life. That second one seems to confuse people. “But why? Life is soooo great!” As Mr. Hemingway said, “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” Not to say we’re all martyrs and self depricators…we just can’t control it, really…

Having depression is a weight. A weight that may lessen and grow, it might disappear for a week or two, and become shielded by a false hope that everything will be okay again. A false sense of security perhaps being the most disheartening feeling. You spend time doing what you love, being with those that care for you, attempting to live a fulfilling, purposeful life. Yet you have that plague. That weight. A crowded room with empty stares. A full house with nobody home. A heavy heart and a blank mind. 

This isn’t everything guys, perhaps just one part of two or three. But this is just a taste of what depression feels like. 


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My best thoughts

I think some of my best thoughts have been a product of lots of alcohol and the right kind of music. I get in that mood, you know? I think it happens to everybody, to be honest. I mean come on guys, when was the last time you just allowed your fingers to flow across the keys with ease (now we’re rhyming) ? It’s so simple after you’ve had a few drinks, man. It’s relaxing almost. It’s almost like…your soul is just set on fire and you’re swimming to nowhere. I’m sorry if I’m getting a bit out of hand, I just feel really good. I suppose it’s because I went for a 50 mile bike ride and a 4.5 mile run and then lifted heavy. Perhaps I’m on some sort of endorphin high. Maybe it’s the steak I just ate. Or the blue moon…or red wine. Or this fucking jam that’s got so much bass just surging through my cranium. Either way, drinking makes for the best stories, the best of moods and the best you can make of life. Enjoi.


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Life Problems

Lately I’ve been faced with a number of personal problems that I feel need to be shared either for the sake of sharing or for advice or whatever. Here’s the list:

1. I feel full after eating literally two bites of anything. It’s strange. It’s not like I’m rushing through meals either. I’m eating my normal diet which is 95% healthy. The other 5% is sweets which have never bothered me. I’m active as hell and usually can gobble down any meal. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been a little less active lately so maybe my body is adjusting to the lower calorie needs? Maybe it understands I don’t need an entire platter of wings or sushi to replenish my muscles. Hmm…

2. Following that, I haven’t been feeling too great lately either. I’ve felt either tired or sick or just queasy. I can’t move as fast as I used to and I don’t feel as strong. I’m getting enough sleep, definitely. Almost too much. I’m not eating anything different. I just feel…mentally and physically drained.

3. I haven’t been exercising nearly as much due to the fact that life gets in the way and I want my body to take a break from all of the constant stresses of exercising.

4. I feel like I am slowly losing sight of all of the hobbies I used to have interest in and floating through life. I thought I was well over this stage in high school and thought it was over but apparently not. I hate these days where I feel like I just floated through. And to be honest, I’m kind of tired of just doing nothing.

5. No spontaneity and nothing new is really starting to get to me.

6. I need to go on a long bike ride after this breakfast and feel renewed.

7. I want to be able to deadlift again and hit some new personal bests in my lifting routine

8. I want to be financially stable again and be able to pay off my student loans and receive my diploma. It’s bothering me that I just blow money on food and drink mostly. Coffee mostly, go figure. I need to be much more frugal with my money.

9. I want real friends, not just the type who talk about each other behind each others’ back or only enjoy your compnay when they’re under the influence. Real friends, the ones I had in high school.

10. Mostly,  I want my boyfriend to come home from Virginia. He’s in the Guard and is training down there. I want him home and safe and I want him in my arms.


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Can I Just Say Something?

People I want phased out:

Low talkers who think you’re sitting right next to them so they talk to themselves and down into their shirt

People who walk slow in restaurants admiring the scenery  and taking it all in. I’m hungry, move. As a server, my customers are hungry, so move. You came here to eat, right?

People who are constantly thinking about food and how it rules their entire life. Food rules my life too, I love to eat, but not in a “I have to eat clean and measure everything out or else I’m doomed” kind of way. Food is not meant to have numbers. Just fucking eat without guilt.

People who tap their feet on the floor when they sit behind you

People who tap their credit cards on the table while waiting for the cashier to finish ringing them up

People who like to throw big words into conversations that would otherwise never be used in regular conversations, only to look cool

The “Ums” and “like” people

Old people who stare at young people when an inch of flesh is showing

Young people who act as if the world is their stripping stage

Overbearing husbands

Overly conscious and calculated fitness nerds who post everything on every social media site and feel entitled.

To go along with that, fitness enthusiasts who feel that they are somehow “certified” to teach/train other people.

People who don’t move out of the way when you’re card shopping. Or when you need just that one carton of orange juice that they happen to be conveniently standing in front of

People who come to dine in ten minutes before the restaurant closes and feel it is their right to eat whenver they want as long as the sign says “open”

 

I think that’s it for now. I know I’ll think of more later in the next hour.