The Coffee Runner

Staying sane one cup of coffee at a time


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Growing up

Ugh. I never thought it would be this….heavy. Carrying all of this weight as an adult. I never thought I’d be in such a rut…both mentally, physically and financially. You always hear about that stories, but never imagine it could happen to you. I feel anxious, like I should be doing more. Thoughts racing. I went back to Lexapro to ease my anxiety so hopefully in a week I’ll be a bit more stable. Plus, I go back to my old job today which I’m kind of happy about.

See, I took on a new job and I’m really happy about it. The people are great, the job itself is okay…but I feel like I’m just moving laterally in life. I’m not moving forward…you know? College degree and two restaurant jobs…it’s not exactly what I’d call successful. I know it takes time and I’m being hard on myself…but I’m worried that I’ll just fade into this for years to come…

There’s also the fact that I’m not entirely sure or motivated in what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I have ideas and I’ll tell people “Oh yeah, I wanna be this or get into this” but then I’m like…what do I REALLY want to achieve. I’m incredibly capable. I’m bright enough. I’m witty. But I’m too conscious and too aware of what people are thinking at all times. I become sort of stuck in what other people are thinking of me and my decisions and fixate on that which ultimately leads to my downfall.

I’m at a point now where I’m just floating. I’m floating at work, floating in life. I wish I were back in school. I wish I had persued something different, like medicine or something practical. I wish I could re-do my degree. I’d certainly focus on the sciences. Sigh. Something will fall…


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Well it’s been a while

It has been quite some time since my last entry on here. Probably over a month, yeah. Apologies about that but…life gets in the way you know? Anyway, so I just feel like writing this all down today because I need these thoughts out on paper….”paper” as opposed to swirling around inside my own head.

First things first, I’m injured. It’s awful. It’s been present for about 5 days now. It’s been lingering for well over a week and though the pain seems to be fading it’s still quite bothersome. I can’t run, I can’t squat, I can’t bike. It’s a hip flexor/joint injury. I’m chalking it up to running on tight hips and loading too much weight on without properly stretching before squats. Hopefully this will heal in the next few days, maybe not to 100%, but by mid October I’d like to be running my usual mileage again.

This means I may not be able to participate in the Hartford Half…something that kind of saddens me. I’ve wanted to run in this race for a while now, but I don’t want to perpetuate the injury. Sigh, decisions, decisions.

Anyway, so that’s kind of a pain in the ass and I’m letting it rest and getting enough stretching in but every morning I wake up and put weight on it it seems worse. It gets better after morning time and worse at evening. I just want to be able to jump out of bed and go, you know? Come on body! Heal quicker!!! This also means that I haven’t been able to play tennis with nmy dad for a bit. We’ve developed a routine of waking early and going to the high  school to play. I’m  hoping by next week I’m able to get out there. I really miss the fresh morning air and running around…

 

Secondly, school has begun for college kids which means the gym is packed. ALL THE TIME. Mostly with guys standing around the mirrors flexing and admiring but…whatever. It just means more maneuvering. It’s also frustrating not to lift heavy. So…frustrating…

 

I’ve been on the hunt for a full time job for a while now. I have two part time restaurant jobs that treat me well, but again I’ve been out of both for over a week due to my hip. I don’t want to work in a restaurant for the rest of my life…it’s just an in between job and although I love the people there it’s not something I want to make my career, you know? Sigh…

It’s crazy. Employers want people who are “experienced” but they don’t seem to understand that there’s no such thing as an “experienced college student”. And guess what? All of those internship opportunities? YEAH THEY’RE BULLSHIT. I’m not learning how to push papers and file here guys. It’s aggravating. It doesn’t help us actually learn the details and nuts and bolts of the job we want. Half the time we end up choosing a different path than we had initially intended entirely anyway.

 

So last thing…my baby boy comes back in October. He’s been gone for over 8 months for the National Guard. He was in SC for basic and Virginia for his MOS training. I cannot WAIT to see him. Partially because I miss him to death, but also because I’m so FUCKING tired of men who think it’s OK to hit on women with boyfriends. They think they’re being cute by trying to “steal” our hearts away. NO. LEAVE US ALONE. WE’RE IN RELATIONSHIPS. FUCK OFF. You’re not charming. You’re only mildly attractive on the surface. You’ve faded. You don’t know me and never will. You’ll never have my heart.

I’ll see ya’ll on the flip side


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Also

Also, I haven’t drank this entire week due to the duathlon. I usually like to cleanse my body and prepare it for a rigorous athletic event. So, I haven’t drank in three days. I usually have a drink every night just to unwind and relax (when you work in a restaurant, it’s beyond necessary), but I’ve cut all alcohol and/or any other substances out to make sure my body can operate at peak level come Sunday.

With that being said, I think I’ll enjoy going without a drink for a while. When I finally do decide to have one, it’ll feel great and relaxing. I think I might actually hold out until I go visit my boyfriend down in VA. That, or on my mother’s birthday, the 25th of this month. Either way, it’ll have been about two weeks on my mom’s birthday and it’s a celebration so…why not? Right?

On another related note, I’ve found lately that I’m not in fact as boring as I thought I was. I used to think that in order to be interesting, you needed to go out all the time and spend time with a lot of people. Not true. I’m an incredible introvert and have always felt slightly out of place in larger crowds. I love my friends and I enjoy good company, but at the right times and places. If that means going a few weeks without seeing my close pals, so be it. I’d rather see them once every month and have something meaningful to discuss rather than go out every night binge drinking and laughing without any real conversational depth.

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve noticed lately that working in a restaurant sort of takes away a person’s personal interests and hobbies. The restaurant consumes them. Their outlet is a strong drink or cigarette to get them through the next shift. I don’t want to become that person who needs substance to function or deal with my stress. It’s not healthy. I’ve noticed a lot of the people I work with choose that outlet. It’s cool, and they’re no less of a person but I’ve realized that a lot of them don’t carry any aspirations other than working at a restaurant. I mean, what fun is that? Drinking every night? Years go by and then all of a sudden you find yourself at 30 with no degree and no real work experience other than compensating a meal and cleaning up a kid’s spaghetti spill. I don’t know, I mean…like I said, time and a place for that sort of thing. It gets tiresome and lonely surrounding yourself with people who are constantly in a drunken/buzzed hazed. It makes you feel self conscious about NOT doing that kind of thing. I have actual hobbies though! I work out, I read, I play guitar, I write, I play tennis, basketball, run, bike, hike, draw…I do stuff. It’s that simple. I used to think all of that was boring and that I was some kind of creature from the other world. That’s not true…I’m the interesting one in this scenario. I’m the one who actually has a direction, who knows what they like and doesn’t need other people to validate my interests.

Sorry, that kind of turned into a long rant. There’s nothing wrong with drinking or going out. But please, if that’s all you do? You should re evaluate your priorities a bit.


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This is What We Look Like

Apologies for the absence on here. Life in the way and such. I also haven’t found the motivation to actually sit down and write a blog post. Now, I have the motivation to cook myself breakfast, brew myself a lovely cup of coffee and go to the gym…but yes when it comes to writing I in fact…am a lazy piece of muck. Or shit. Yeah.

I came home from work one night and talked to my dad about the idiocracy of human interaction. It’s hilarious. It’s ludicrous, really. I’m talking about how we respond or react to every day situations. From an outsider looking in, it’s utter amusement, but for the poor soul enduring this common dilemma, it’s nothing but frustration and incredulity.

If you’re not catching my drift just yet, don’t worry…this isn’t something that a majority of the population will understand. But I have faith in you fellow WordPressers and might go as far to say that I can confide in you guys when it comes to these types of situations. Can we empathize a bit here? Let’s begin

Scenario 1: The Immovable Man

Ever notice that when you’re on a mission to get to a certain object, there’s one person (usually an older folk) who seems to be super glued to the exact location you need to be in in order to reach that product. Example: my dad was attempting to reach the Orange juice one day in a grocery store, and this one older gentlemen appeared to be bolted to the ground, inspected each carton methodically for its listed ingredients. Buddy, let me tell you what’s in orange juice…ORANGE JUICE. Tropicana, Minute Maid, it’s all the same. Can you please have the courtesy to move yourself a few inches over so other people can reach this juice without having to launch themselves over you? Oh, and don’t glare at us as if we’re in the way. Please, just stop.

Scenario 2: The Congregation

Similar to the first situation is the problem of multiple people being where you want to be at the exact moment you want to be there. Example: my dad again was at Home Depot in search of a fence and wiring system. Nothing interesting. The farthest corner of the store, dark and dreary, where NOBODY ever is…and guess what? At this exact moment about five non English speaking people are gathered arlound the fencing accessories, discussing the fence and examining every inch of each product. The fact that they did not speak English is not the point..the point is that they are RIGHT THERE WHEN YOU WANT TO BE THERE. How many times have you ever walked into a store, know what you wanted, have made a specific bee line to that product and found yourself behind a group of people huddled around the EXACT location of that product? It’s truly unbelievable.

Scenario 3: The Hustler

Okay, I know I’m not alone on this one. How many times have you found yourself in line ready to pay for something, calmly waiting your turn, and a person waltzes up behind you only to ATTACH themselves to you and stand so closely that you can taste their deoderant. (let’s hope) WHAT IS THIS. When I am in line behind someone, I give them about a foot of room. Wasn’t this rule established in like second grade? The bubble principle? Don’t go into my bubble. If I have to wait, SO DO YOU. Stop shuffling your feet, clearing your throat, and lurching over me and trying to see how long the person in front of me is going to take. YOU HAVE TO WAIT THIS ISN’T IMMEDIATE SERVICE. Also, after I have completed my order and turn around, do not be surprised if I bump into you and say, “Oh, excuse me” in an unapologetic tone. I bet these people are the same people who use coupons at restaurants and try to get every item discounted at the grocery store as well. YOU CAN’T RUSH ME AND THEN EXPECT TO GET 89 CENTS OFF YOUR GODDAMN CUCUMBER BUNDLE. Fuck off.

Scenario 4: The Cellulars

If I’m in line behind you at a department store (especially these, my god) DO NOT YAK ON YOUR GODDAMN CELL PHONE FOR TEN MINUTES WHILE TRYING TO EXCHANGE 856 DIFFERENT ITEMS. This is the opposite of the problem listed above. You are the type of person who will not only gab away on your phone the entire time, but will insist that you have a coupon or store credit card somewhere in your purse while I’m standing there with a pair of socks. Do not be this person. Be courteous.

Scenario 5: Chatty Cathies

In the dentist chair, at the hair salon, the oil change, the manicure place. JUST DO YOUR JOB AND SPEAK WHEN IT PERTAINS TO THE JOB. Okay, yeah, a casual “hey, how ya doin?” is fine. Ask me about what I’m doing, even though I’ll respond in the high pitched “Oh yeah, you know, just finished school, looking for a real job” every time. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. And no, I don’t really care to hear about your life either. You’re my hairdresser. You’re my dentist. You’re my beautician. I see you for a specific reason when I need to see you. Oh, and if you’re giving me a massage, do not say more than “Is this too hard?” Please. A casual hello and how are you and BRIEF small talk before the job begins is alright. DO NOT insist on telling me your life story then and there. I am then forced to have a fixed smile on my face while nodding my head as I think “shut the f*** up”. It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes you seem desperate.

 

I will most likely complete this and have more examples to add throughout the week. These are just some of the pet peeves I have with society. I try to be BRUTALLY aware of not doing any of these things. Occasionally, I get it, we all slip, but there’s this thing called common courtesy, and I think a lot of us could benefit from it. So, in conclusion, don’t be that guy.


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New Perspectives

Things I’m happy about:

-The fact that I recently smashed my latest plateau. I was able to lift heavier and incorporate new moves into my routine this week. I am no longer concerned with the fact that I am not running every day…if anything…it makes me a stronger runner.

-My new workout regimen. 1 hour of intense sports functional body weight moves coupled with 45 minutes of heavy ass lifting

-The fact that I now have coconut flavored coffee creamer in my possession

-The sangria in my fridge that I have yet to dive into

-The fact that I am working more hours and okay with that and NOT spending money and actually saving it.

-The fact that I am waking up a little bit earlier than usual

-Drinking more water than usual

-Seeing more friends

-Moderating my eating habits so that I’m not fucking full as hell after every damn meal

 

Things I need to focus more on:

-Guitar. I haven’t played in a while…I need to get back on track with that

-Finding a REAL full time job and not just dicking around picking up hours at the restaurant although it’s not bad cash

-Not smoking a cigarette when I get stressed

-Not drinking every night (heavily I mean)

-My goals for the future

-My core work

-Running and biking

-Waking up wicked early to run and bike and avoid the heat

 

Yeah, things are good thus far but every now and then I get a little bit anxious over eating something fattening or something stupid like drinking too much. I just need to be balanced and stay on that continuous track.


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My Battle with Depression

So, I haven’t revealed what I really go through on a day to day basis, but I’m about to tell you all a whole helluva lot about myself…and what it’s like to be inside my head. ‘Ere goes.

The thing about depression is it never really goes away. It’s just a lingering air of empty feelings that you can’t locate, not even with a microscopic lens and all of the technology in the world. It’s not like chicken pox, where it can be cured. It’s more of a slow forming disease. It begins with its physical debilitation, cutting off all feeling from your extremeties and then slowly moves towards the emotional receptors in your brain which begin to shut down. Everything becomes blank. You no longer are happy with simple pleasures like food or good sex or a good book to read. It becomes a chore. Mundane tasks are obstacles, an avalanche. The slightest wrong tone in somebody’s voice can make you feel as though you’ve just committed murder. Worthless. 

It’s worse because if you’re anything like me, you also most likely struggle with anxiety. Anxiety and depression are highly associated and often are never far apart. They play off one another and compound until you’re really just a manic anxious depressive individual. You think about how depressed you are which makes you anxious, which then makes you even more depressed and you then get so fed up that you do something you regret on impulse. You become numb to feeling. Numb to sensation both mental and physical. Feeling blank is something you’re too familiar with. Often happy moments are quickly trampled by impending doom of the future.

Depression is never an easy thing to explain. It leaves your tongue tied and your palms sweaty. Trying to explain to somebody who says “but I don’t get it…why are you so depressed? Just stop being depressed?” is like pulling teeth. You have everything you’ve ever wanted, right? So why are you sad? Oh, it’s just a phase, right….no. Depression lingers. It stays with you. It has triggers. Those triggers are small, but they are powerful. They can send you into the abyss, void of emotion, entirely obsolete. You become fluid in your motion, day in and day out that nothing has meaning, or purpose. The reason for your existence ceases to be a question. You contemplate what it would be like if you were to die, but then again, you kind of enjoy your ho hum life. So you stick around in the hopes that something better will arrive and you remain in limbo floating through until that day never comes. It never comes.

It doesn’t have to be traumatic either. You don’t need a death in the family. Or reasons really at all. You don’t need a script or rubric. It just happens. Sometimes it is caused by something else, and other times it may just be a wholly apathetic and unsatisfied outlook on life. That second one seems to confuse people. “But why? Life is soooo great!” As Mr. Hemingway said, “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” Not to say we’re all martyrs and self depricators…we just can’t control it, really…

Having depression is a weight. A weight that may lessen and grow, it might disappear for a week or two, and become shielded by a false hope that everything will be okay again. A false sense of security perhaps being the most disheartening feeling. You spend time doing what you love, being with those that care for you, attempting to live a fulfilling, purposeful life. Yet you have that plague. That weight. A crowded room with empty stares. A full house with nobody home. A heavy heart and a blank mind. 

This isn’t everything guys, perhaps just one part of two or three. But this is just a taste of what depression feels like. 


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Life Problems

Lately I’ve been faced with a number of personal problems that I feel need to be shared either for the sake of sharing or for advice or whatever. Here’s the list:

1. I feel full after eating literally two bites of anything. It’s strange. It’s not like I’m rushing through meals either. I’m eating my normal diet which is 95% healthy. The other 5% is sweets which have never bothered me. I’m active as hell and usually can gobble down any meal. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been a little less active lately so maybe my body is adjusting to the lower calorie needs? Maybe it understands I don’t need an entire platter of wings or sushi to replenish my muscles. Hmm…

2. Following that, I haven’t been feeling too great lately either. I’ve felt either tired or sick or just queasy. I can’t move as fast as I used to and I don’t feel as strong. I’m getting enough sleep, definitely. Almost too much. I’m not eating anything different. I just feel…mentally and physically drained.

3. I haven’t been exercising nearly as much due to the fact that life gets in the way and I want my body to take a break from all of the constant stresses of exercising.

4. I feel like I am slowly losing sight of all of the hobbies I used to have interest in and floating through life. I thought I was well over this stage in high school and thought it was over but apparently not. I hate these days where I feel like I just floated through. And to be honest, I’m kind of tired of just doing nothing.

5. No spontaneity and nothing new is really starting to get to me.

6. I need to go on a long bike ride after this breakfast and feel renewed.

7. I want to be able to deadlift again and hit some new personal bests in my lifting routine

8. I want to be financially stable again and be able to pay off my student loans and receive my diploma. It’s bothering me that I just blow money on food and drink mostly. Coffee mostly, go figure. I need to be much more frugal with my money.

9. I want real friends, not just the type who talk about each other behind each others’ back or only enjoy your compnay when they’re under the influence. Real friends, the ones I had in high school.

10. Mostly,  I want my boyfriend to come home from Virginia. He’s in the Guard and is training down there. I want him home and safe and I want him in my arms.