The Coffee Runner

Staying sane one cup of coffee at a time


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Growing up

Ugh. I never thought it would be this….heavy. Carrying all of this weight as an adult. I never thought I’d be in such a rut…both mentally, physically and financially. You always hear about that stories, but never imagine it could happen to you. I feel anxious, like I should be doing more. Thoughts racing. I went back to Lexapro to ease my anxiety so hopefully in a week I’ll be a bit more stable. Plus, I go back to my old job today which I’m kind of happy about.

See, I took on a new job and I’m really happy about it. The people are great, the job itself is okay…but I feel like I’m just moving laterally in life. I’m not moving forward…you know? College degree and two restaurant jobs…it’s not exactly what I’d call successful. I know it takes time and I’m being hard on myself…but I’m worried that I’ll just fade into this for years to come…

There’s also the fact that I’m not entirely sure or motivated in what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I have ideas and I’ll tell people “Oh yeah, I wanna be this or get into this” but then I’m like…what do I REALLY want to achieve. I’m incredibly capable. I’m bright enough. I’m witty. But I’m too conscious and too aware of what people are thinking at all times. I become sort of stuck in what other people are thinking of me and my decisions and fixate on that which ultimately leads to my downfall.

I’m at a point now where I’m just floating. I’m floating at work, floating in life. I wish I were back in school. I wish I had persued something different, like medicine or something practical. I wish I could re-do my degree. I’d certainly focus on the sciences. Sigh. Something will fall…

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Also

Also, I haven’t drank this entire week due to the duathlon. I usually like to cleanse my body and prepare it for a rigorous athletic event. So, I haven’t drank in three days. I usually have a drink every night just to unwind and relax (when you work in a restaurant, it’s beyond necessary), but I’ve cut all alcohol and/or any other substances out to make sure my body can operate at peak level come Sunday.

With that being said, I think I’ll enjoy going without a drink for a while. When I finally do decide to have one, it’ll feel great and relaxing. I think I might actually hold out until I go visit my boyfriend down in VA. That, or on my mother’s birthday, the 25th of this month. Either way, it’ll have been about two weeks on my mom’s birthday and it’s a celebration so…why not? Right?

On another related note, I’ve found lately that I’m not in fact as boring as I thought I was. I used to think that in order to be interesting, you needed to go out all the time and spend time with a lot of people. Not true. I’m an incredible introvert and have always felt slightly out of place in larger crowds. I love my friends and I enjoy good company, but at the right times and places. If that means going a few weeks without seeing my close pals, so be it. I’d rather see them once every month and have something meaningful to discuss rather than go out every night binge drinking and laughing without any real conversational depth.

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve noticed lately that working in a restaurant sort of takes away a person’s personal interests and hobbies. The restaurant consumes them. Their outlet is a strong drink or cigarette to get them through the next shift. I don’t want to become that person who needs substance to function or deal with my stress. It’s not healthy. I’ve noticed a lot of the people I work with choose that outlet. It’s cool, and they’re no less of a person but I’ve realized that a lot of them don’t carry any aspirations other than working at a restaurant. I mean, what fun is that? Drinking every night? Years go by and then all of a sudden you find yourself at 30 with no degree and no real work experience other than compensating a meal and cleaning up a kid’s spaghetti spill. I don’t know, I mean…like I said, time and a place for that sort of thing. It gets tiresome and lonely surrounding yourself with people who are constantly in a drunken/buzzed hazed. It makes you feel self conscious about NOT doing that kind of thing. I have actual hobbies though! I work out, I read, I play guitar, I write, I play tennis, basketball, run, bike, hike, draw…I do stuff. It’s that simple. I used to think all of that was boring and that I was some kind of creature from the other world. That’s not true…I’m the interesting one in this scenario. I’m the one who actually has a direction, who knows what they like and doesn’t need other people to validate my interests.

Sorry, that kind of turned into a long rant. There’s nothing wrong with drinking or going out. But please, if that’s all you do? You should re evaluate your priorities a bit.


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I need your help

Hey guys..so I’m in need of some of your help. It’s okay if you don’t want to respond or find this post somewhat naive or lame. In any sense…I’m about to pop the question.

CAN YOU GUYS HELP ME FIND A JOB?!

Seriously. It’s harder than ever now and I’m not even entirely sure what I want to do.

My degree is in Communication and my specialty or “area of expertise” is Journalism/writing…however as you all know…newspapers are going the way of the anicent Pilgrims these days…and that’s why I started this blog

I was struggling to kind of get up and going on my feet and admittedly, my writing is a tad rusty so excuse me if it sounds somewhat convoluted. A friend who I was working with told me that I should start a blog just to get my thoughts into writing and it has helped tremendously. My problems is that I’m too lazy to actually research a topic unless I’m INCREDIBLY passionate about it. So I guess, really…I’m like most people in that sense.

Also, whenever I tell anybody that I want to be a writer or write for a company they kind of look down on me and do that whole pat me on the head oh you’re so cute thing…that or they entirely dismiss the idea as childish, archaic and a waste of time for little money.

I need help guys. Where can I write that will make me money? Some people have indeed become wildly successful in writing blogs but I’m not sure that’s something that would interest me…after all…that takes a lot of upkeep and you need to keep up to date with special topics…something that doesn’t interest me much. (Kimye? Nuff said.)

Sigh…it’s the age old struggle…doing what you love vs making money.


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New Perspectives

Things I’m happy about:

-The fact that I recently smashed my latest plateau. I was able to lift heavier and incorporate new moves into my routine this week. I am no longer concerned with the fact that I am not running every day…if anything…it makes me a stronger runner.

-My new workout regimen. 1 hour of intense sports functional body weight moves coupled with 45 minutes of heavy ass lifting

-The fact that I now have coconut flavored coffee creamer in my possession

-The sangria in my fridge that I have yet to dive into

-The fact that I am working more hours and okay with that and NOT spending money and actually saving it.

-The fact that I am waking up a little bit earlier than usual

-Drinking more water than usual

-Seeing more friends

-Moderating my eating habits so that I’m not fucking full as hell after every damn meal

 

Things I need to focus more on:

-Guitar. I haven’t played in a while…I need to get back on track with that

-Finding a REAL full time job and not just dicking around picking up hours at the restaurant although it’s not bad cash

-Not smoking a cigarette when I get stressed

-Not drinking every night (heavily I mean)

-My goals for the future

-My core work

-Running and biking

-Waking up wicked early to run and bike and avoid the heat

 

Yeah, things are good thus far but every now and then I get a little bit anxious over eating something fattening or something stupid like drinking too much. I just need to be balanced and stay on that continuous track.