The Coffee Runner

Staying sane one cup of coffee at a time


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I’m baaaaaaack

Oh…hello there. I have returned to Earth from the deep soils of life and death. I’ve been busy wandering through this terminal disease and staring blankly into nothingness. But I, the great host to all things sarcasm, coffee and fitness has returned! On that note, I hope all is well with everyone in the blog community and props to those upholding a current blog. You all clearly have better time mamagement skills that me. That, or your priorities are in line. Or maybe you just sit on your PC for ten hours at a stretch. It’s all good, etiher way…I commend you.

So, no more babbling, let’s get to it. I need to start blogging again, every day if I can. (Make that a 2015 goal, huh?) I want my posts to mean something, to be intuitive and thought provoking. I want my fingers to move across keys like gliding…wait…no more poetic malarky. Sorry. AHEM! My posts are going to consist of mainly puzzling/bizzarre and comical life situations we all find ourselves in. These are situations that happen daily, all the time, to everyone. Not many people realize it, or pay attention to notice what’s going on around them, but I do. Call it a sixth sense maybe, but I can detect when somebody is feeling uncomfortable, or when someone doesn’t seem to register that ordering fifty five cupcakes and eight cappuccinos while there’s a line of twelve people behind you is not socially acceptable. BUT IT HAPPENS, RIGHT? Think about it. You’re in your car waiting for a parking spot and you’re about to steal that one, RIGHT there, and then Chuckie Mcgee zooms right in, BOOM. You’re screwed. Or when you make a bee line to one specific item in a grocery store (often something archaeic, organic, or otherwise an unknown ingredient in cooking cuisine) and five people flock to gather around it as if it’s the last one on Earth.  It happens guys.

As much as I want to deliver comic relief, I also intend for this to provide factual information on certain topics. Currently, this will include drug and alcohol addiction and treatment as well as the psychology behind addiction. I’ve had a change in thinking after understanding that a close family of mine had suffered, and is still suffering from this disease. Yes, it is a disease. But more on that later…

I’ve been reading more, and when I read, I am voracious. I devour books. It’s like a binge and purge type thing with me. I should brecome more consistent, maybe another goal for 2015.?

This will still remain a place for satire and laughs. I will offer my opinion on current events that I find absurd or tittilating. (hah) But as much as I want to maintain my comic audience (if any), I want this to be a place where my thoughts can grow without interruption. I want people to learn from this blog and to consider life from the other side of the road. It’s an all encompassing blog, really, and more so a place where I can let my thoughts wander, sans eight different people gathering around and waiting to pluck it from its source.

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This is What We Look Like

Apologies for the absence on here. Life in the way and such. I also haven’t found the motivation to actually sit down and write a blog post. Now, I have the motivation to cook myself breakfast, brew myself a lovely cup of coffee and go to the gym…but yes when it comes to writing I in fact…am a lazy piece of muck. Or shit. Yeah.

I came home from work one night and talked to my dad about the idiocracy of human interaction. It’s hilarious. It’s ludicrous, really. I’m talking about how we respond or react to every day situations. From an outsider looking in, it’s utter amusement, but for the poor soul enduring this common dilemma, it’s nothing but frustration and incredulity.

If you’re not catching my drift just yet, don’t worry…this isn’t something that a majority of the population will understand. But I have faith in you fellow WordPressers and might go as far to say that I can confide in you guys when it comes to these types of situations. Can we empathize a bit here? Let’s begin

Scenario 1: The Immovable Man

Ever notice that when you’re on a mission to get to a certain object, there’s one person (usually an older folk) who seems to be super glued to the exact location you need to be in in order to reach that product. Example: my dad was attempting to reach the Orange juice one day in a grocery store, and this one older gentlemen appeared to be bolted to the ground, inspected each carton methodically for its listed ingredients. Buddy, let me tell you what’s in orange juice…ORANGE JUICE. Tropicana, Minute Maid, it’s all the same. Can you please have the courtesy to move yourself a few inches over so other people can reach this juice without having to launch themselves over you? Oh, and don’t glare at us as if we’re in the way. Please, just stop.

Scenario 2: The Congregation

Similar to the first situation is the problem of multiple people being where you want to be at the exact moment you want to be there. Example: my dad again was at Home Depot in search of a fence and wiring system. Nothing interesting. The farthest corner of the store, dark and dreary, where NOBODY ever is…and guess what? At this exact moment about five non English speaking people are gathered arlound the fencing accessories, discussing the fence and examining every inch of each product. The fact that they did not speak English is not the point..the point is that they are RIGHT THERE WHEN YOU WANT TO BE THERE. How many times have you ever walked into a store, know what you wanted, have made a specific bee line to that product and found yourself behind a group of people huddled around the EXACT location of that product? It’s truly unbelievable.

Scenario 3: The Hustler

Okay, I know I’m not alone on this one. How many times have you found yourself in line ready to pay for something, calmly waiting your turn, and a person waltzes up behind you only to ATTACH themselves to you and stand so closely that you can taste their deoderant. (let’s hope) WHAT IS THIS. When I am in line behind someone, I give them about a foot of room. Wasn’t this rule established in like second grade? The bubble principle? Don’t go into my bubble. If I have to wait, SO DO YOU. Stop shuffling your feet, clearing your throat, and lurching over me and trying to see how long the person in front of me is going to take. YOU HAVE TO WAIT THIS ISN’T IMMEDIATE SERVICE. Also, after I have completed my order and turn around, do not be surprised if I bump into you and say, “Oh, excuse me” in an unapologetic tone. I bet these people are the same people who use coupons at restaurants and try to get every item discounted at the grocery store as well. YOU CAN’T RUSH ME AND THEN EXPECT TO GET 89 CENTS OFF YOUR GODDAMN CUCUMBER BUNDLE. Fuck off.

Scenario 4: The Cellulars

If I’m in line behind you at a department store (especially these, my god) DO NOT YAK ON YOUR GODDAMN CELL PHONE FOR TEN MINUTES WHILE TRYING TO EXCHANGE 856 DIFFERENT ITEMS. This is the opposite of the problem listed above. You are the type of person who will not only gab away on your phone the entire time, but will insist that you have a coupon or store credit card somewhere in your purse while I’m standing there with a pair of socks. Do not be this person. Be courteous.

Scenario 5: Chatty Cathies

In the dentist chair, at the hair salon, the oil change, the manicure place. JUST DO YOUR JOB AND SPEAK WHEN IT PERTAINS TO THE JOB. Okay, yeah, a casual “hey, how ya doin?” is fine. Ask me about what I’m doing, even though I’ll respond in the high pitched “Oh yeah, you know, just finished school, looking for a real job” every time. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. And no, I don’t really care to hear about your life either. You’re my hairdresser. You’re my dentist. You’re my beautician. I see you for a specific reason when I need to see you. Oh, and if you’re giving me a massage, do not say more than “Is this too hard?” Please. A casual hello and how are you and BRIEF small talk before the job begins is alright. DO NOT insist on telling me your life story then and there. I am then forced to have a fixed smile on my face while nodding my head as I think “shut the f*** up”. It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes you seem desperate.

 

I will most likely complete this and have more examples to add throughout the week. These are just some of the pet peeves I have with society. I try to be BRUTALLY aware of not doing any of these things. Occasionally, I get it, we all slip, but there’s this thing called common courtesy, and I think a lot of us could benefit from it. So, in conclusion, don’t be that guy.


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Restaurants

So I recently saw a list of words on some website that have an entirely different meaning to servers and restaurant staff than they do regular civilians. Yes, we are our own separate breed. For those of you who have never worked in a restaurant or food and beverage industry…these terms may seem foreign to you, but to us…they are all just part of the job. Below are some common terms and phrases servers hear and know that can mean a hellish 6 hours awaits them.

 

Camping: An act that is typically a relaxing excursion to some remote place with a pool/lake and bike paths. You have campfires, drink plenty of beer and get away from reality.

What camping means for servers: When people sit with full water glasses at a table for an additional two hours after everything has been cleared off the table. These people often do not even have the courtesy to give the server their card. They just sit there chatting away (yes, 9 times out of ten they are indeed women) and they seem to have no idea of the amount of other people waiting for their seat. Also, if you are a reservation, that’s okay…but please understand that we need your table within a reasonable (2 hour) time limit.

 

The phrase “What’s good here?”

The appropriate response: “Well, I like some dishes better than others but there are some particular ones that have gotten great reviews…here, let me show you!”

What we want to say: “GEE. I DON’T KNOW YOU FUCK. EVERYTHING? I’M HUNGRY ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME. THAT’S LIKE WALKING INTO A CANDY STORE AND SAYING ‘WHAT’S GOOD HERE?’. NOPE SORRY. IT’S ALL SHIT AND EVERYTHING SUCKS. READ THE MENU. YOU FUCK.

 

Behind: Either referring to a person’s rear end or something that is posterior to something else

What Behind means for servers: We are literally right behind you and have a full tray of wine glasses and if you happen to be shuffling through and throwing dishes in the dirty bin and whirling around like a durbish without care, I will kill you. Stay two feet away.

 

The phrase “It’s his/her birthday!”

The appropriate response: “Oh, happy birthday! How old are you turning? I remember that age, awww so cute! We’ll have a special surprise for you if you eat all your vegetables!”

What we want to say: COOL. GREAT. YOU KNOW HOW MANY BIRTHDAYS THERE ARE TODAY? MILLIONS. SO YOU EXPECT THIS TO BE A SPECIAL DAY FOR YOUR KID? AND THEN YOU’RE GOING TO LEAVE ME 12% CAUSE I DIDN’T BRING THE CAKE OUT FAST ENOUGH AND SOME OF IT MELTED, RIGHT? WE HAVE TO STOP EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING FOR YOUR KID’S BIRTHDAY. WELL, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND TELL YOUR KID THAT SOMEDAY THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK ON THEIR BIRTHDAY AND SEE HOW THEY ACT THEN.

 

Tips: A generous donation out of your own pocket for our tremendous service.

What tips mean to servers : Our lifeline. give us more than two dollars. We cleaned up your kid’s mess, brought you extra sauce, offered you free dessert and remembered your order by memory without fail.

 

The phrase “Do you think that’s enough food for me?”

The appropriate response: “Well, I’m not sure, I mean to me it may not be enough because I’m always hungry (so true) but perhaps you might want to consider getting a side salad or soup before to fill you up!”

What we want to say: “NOPE. ORDER MORE. COME ON, HIKE UP THAT BILL WE WANT MORE MONEY BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA THAT WE’RE ACTUALLY JUST UPSELLING TO GET MORE OF A TIP.”

What we want to say part two: “I’M NOT YOUR STOMACH. I’M ALWAYS HUNGRY. I DON’T KNOW YOUR CALORIC NEEDS.”

 

Chef: A professional cook who knows the ins and outs of every single detail regarding food. An admired and respected individual who loves culinary

What a chef means to servers: Our best friend or our worst enemy. The fate of our tips.

 

The phrase “But can you tell the chef to substitute this for that? And I’m also allergic to this so none of that please”

The Appropriate response: “Sure! We can absolutely do that for you, no problem!”

What servers want to say: “Actually, our chefs speak little to no English (where I work) and will have an incredibly hard time deciphering your incredibly complex order and personal needs, so no, sorry, we cannot accomodate your meal.

What servers want to say part two: “GO MAKE THE MEAL YOURSELF. THIS ISN’T FROYOWORLD WHERE YOU CHOOSE THE TOPPINGS.”

 

So yes, these are only some of thes pesky irritants servers have to deal with on a regular basis. Of course, at some points I am overexaggerating, but really..at times…it gets to be enough and you begin to question your sanity and life decision on keeping the job.

 


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Can I Just Say Something?

People I want phased out:

Low talkers who think you’re sitting right next to them so they talk to themselves and down into their shirt

People who walk slow in restaurants admiring the scenery  and taking it all in. I’m hungry, move. As a server, my customers are hungry, so move. You came here to eat, right?

People who are constantly thinking about food and how it rules their entire life. Food rules my life too, I love to eat, but not in a “I have to eat clean and measure everything out or else I’m doomed” kind of way. Food is not meant to have numbers. Just fucking eat without guilt.

People who tap their feet on the floor when they sit behind you

People who tap their credit cards on the table while waiting for the cashier to finish ringing them up

People who like to throw big words into conversations that would otherwise never be used in regular conversations, only to look cool

The “Ums” and “like” people

Old people who stare at young people when an inch of flesh is showing

Young people who act as if the world is their stripping stage

Overbearing husbands

Overly conscious and calculated fitness nerds who post everything on every social media site and feel entitled.

To go along with that, fitness enthusiasts who feel that they are somehow “certified” to teach/train other people.

People who don’t move out of the way when you’re card shopping. Or when you need just that one carton of orange juice that they happen to be conveniently standing in front of

People who come to dine in ten minutes before the restaurant closes and feel it is their right to eat whenver they want as long as the sign says “open”

 

I think that’s it for now. I know I’ll think of more later in the next hour.