The Coffee Runner

Staying sane one cup of coffee at a time


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The Aftermath

So post Duathlon…well let’s just say that yesterday was a VERY long day. I woke around 3:50 and headed out around 4:45 to arrive at 5:45 and get my body marked and bike set up in transition. Parents and I walked around the lake and checked out where I’d be starting. The horn sounded and off we ran for the first 2.85 miles. It was easy and hilly. The 25 miles on the bike was dreadful. Like. I had no idea how fucking hilly that shit was going to be. Coupled with the fact that my bike seat was not high enough so I couldn’t gain leverage going up hills, I have short ass legs, I’m not conditioned to biking Litchfield hills, and I don’t own a fucking 4,000$ bike with an aerodynamic helmet. But yeah, bike was awful and took me much longer than expected. NO MILE MARKERS so I had no idea whether I was on mile 5 or mile 18. The roads were alright, but very craggly and the hills were just brutal. People had to walk their bikes up, it was bad. So, at this point I’m like FUCK ME I am not going to be able to finish this 6.2 mile run. But I got off the bike, tired as hell, drained my gatorade for like 5 gulps and headed out with my tired legs and portable water bottle.

 

THEY HAD JUST RUN DOWN A JAGGED, NARROW, LOG FILLED, ROCK FILLED TRAIL THE FIRST MILE AND THEN TAKE A SHARP FUCKING LEFT UPHILL. Not cool. My legs were jello. Around mile 2 I adjusted and kept consistent, rising pace with a girl my age. We kept passing one another. Around mile 5 I knew it was almost ending and I felt good. Mile 6 I had a shot of adrenaile and suddenly wasn’t tired anymore. I finished in 3 hours but was exhausted and sore. I feel accomplished but a tad disappointed. I want to do this distance again, but with much more biking practice. The runs were excellent, but the course and bike were not. So overall an 8/10 day. The weather was beautiful and we stopped for burgers and beer after! Then I napped…a looooong time. So yeah, duathlon? I shall see you again, in the future.

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Restaurants

So I recently saw a list of words on some website that have an entirely different meaning to servers and restaurant staff than they do regular civilians. Yes, we are our own separate breed. For those of you who have never worked in a restaurant or food and beverage industry…these terms may seem foreign to you, but to us…they are all just part of the job. Below are some common terms and phrases servers hear and know that can mean a hellish 6 hours awaits them.

 

Camping: An act that is typically a relaxing excursion to some remote place with a pool/lake and bike paths. You have campfires, drink plenty of beer and get away from reality.

What camping means for servers: When people sit with full water glasses at a table for an additional two hours after everything has been cleared off the table. These people often do not even have the courtesy to give the server their card. They just sit there chatting away (yes, 9 times out of ten they are indeed women) and they seem to have no idea of the amount of other people waiting for their seat. Also, if you are a reservation, that’s okay…but please understand that we need your table within a reasonable (2 hour) time limit.

 

The phrase “What’s good here?”

The appropriate response: “Well, I like some dishes better than others but there are some particular ones that have gotten great reviews…here, let me show you!”

What we want to say: “GEE. I DON’T KNOW YOU FUCK. EVERYTHING? I’M HUNGRY ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME. THAT’S LIKE WALKING INTO A CANDY STORE AND SAYING ‘WHAT’S GOOD HERE?’. NOPE SORRY. IT’S ALL SHIT AND EVERYTHING SUCKS. READ THE MENU. YOU FUCK.

 

Behind: Either referring to a person’s rear end or something that is posterior to something else

What Behind means for servers: We are literally right behind you and have a full tray of wine glasses and if you happen to be shuffling through and throwing dishes in the dirty bin and whirling around like a durbish without care, I will kill you. Stay two feet away.

 

The phrase “It’s his/her birthday!”

The appropriate response: “Oh, happy birthday! How old are you turning? I remember that age, awww so cute! We’ll have a special surprise for you if you eat all your vegetables!”

What we want to say: COOL. GREAT. YOU KNOW HOW MANY BIRTHDAYS THERE ARE TODAY? MILLIONS. SO YOU EXPECT THIS TO BE A SPECIAL DAY FOR YOUR KID? AND THEN YOU’RE GOING TO LEAVE ME 12% CAUSE I DIDN’T BRING THE CAKE OUT FAST ENOUGH AND SOME OF IT MELTED, RIGHT? WE HAVE TO STOP EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING FOR YOUR KID’S BIRTHDAY. WELL, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND TELL YOUR KID THAT SOMEDAY THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK ON THEIR BIRTHDAY AND SEE HOW THEY ACT THEN.

 

Tips: A generous donation out of your own pocket for our tremendous service.

What tips mean to servers : Our lifeline. give us more than two dollars. We cleaned up your kid’s mess, brought you extra sauce, offered you free dessert and remembered your order by memory without fail.

 

The phrase “Do you think that’s enough food for me?”

The appropriate response: “Well, I’m not sure, I mean to me it may not be enough because I’m always hungry (so true) but perhaps you might want to consider getting a side salad or soup before to fill you up!”

What we want to say: “NOPE. ORDER MORE. COME ON, HIKE UP THAT BILL WE WANT MORE MONEY BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA THAT WE’RE ACTUALLY JUST UPSELLING TO GET MORE OF A TIP.”

What we want to say part two: “I’M NOT YOUR STOMACH. I’M ALWAYS HUNGRY. I DON’T KNOW YOUR CALORIC NEEDS.”

 

Chef: A professional cook who knows the ins and outs of every single detail regarding food. An admired and respected individual who loves culinary

What a chef means to servers: Our best friend or our worst enemy. The fate of our tips.

 

The phrase “But can you tell the chef to substitute this for that? And I’m also allergic to this so none of that please”

The Appropriate response: “Sure! We can absolutely do that for you, no problem!”

What servers want to say: “Actually, our chefs speak little to no English (where I work) and will have an incredibly hard time deciphering your incredibly complex order and personal needs, so no, sorry, we cannot accomodate your meal.

What servers want to say part two: “GO MAKE THE MEAL YOURSELF. THIS ISN’T FROYOWORLD WHERE YOU CHOOSE THE TOPPINGS.”

 

So yes, these are only some of thes pesky irritants servers have to deal with on a regular basis. Of course, at some points I am overexaggerating, but really..at times…it gets to be enough and you begin to question your sanity and life decision on keeping the job.

 


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Veganism and its Hazards to Health

Okay, so..I haven’t done TOO much research on Vegans and Veganism in general. However, I’d like to take a moment to recognize this “trend” that has people sprinting for faux velvet interior car designs and soy milk in their cereals. First, a true vegan is one who is Environmentally Earth conscious, not just with what they consume. True Veganism is not owning or purchasing any products that contain traces of animals in your home or elsewhere. It is not supporting or wearing makeup or clothing that was made using the bones, skins and secretions of animals. Gross, but true. Today, vegan seems to have become this blanketing term, or trendy outlet for people looking to fit in. It has become a symbol, or rather, an emblem of the Hipster crowd (toms shoes, mismatched clothing and a particular soft spot for Animal rights.) Look, if you really truly support saving the animals and believe that the companies who DO use animal testing are in fact harming these creatures, then I will indeed consider your beliefs valid. But if you’re vegan Monday-Friday and once the weekend comes around strap on your leather pumps, sleek leather peacoat and indulge in a couple sushi rolls Saturday night in a poor attempt to soak up the vodka tonic,…sorry you are not vegan.

Secondly, along with the faux vegans comes the belief that consuming animal meats is somehow hazardous to our health. Well, you probably would not be here if not for animals, and there would be a lot more eating disorders had animal meats not been a staple of most international diets today. Also, eating plants is not the most appealing meal after you’ve ran 13 miles or lifted a shit ton of weight (yes, personal anecdote) and want something that will satiate you. In fact, I recently read a story about a woman who switched over from a lifelong attachment to Veganism to consuming read meat weekly. She lost 10 lbs and said she was no longer anemic. Beef, chicken, fish, these are all LEAN meats that will not only sustain you and support muscle growth and recovery, but they TASTE BETTER THAN CHUNKS OF TOFU. Also, lean meats will help your body burn fat and contain essential amino acids and nutrients necessary for vital health.

I mean, I understand vegetarians. But vegans? You are doing yourself an inconvenience in more than one way. Both your health and your wallet are suffering. Yes, veganism costs more because the products need to be specifically made without animal products. So, you’re willing to starve yourself in an effort to save an animal when most likely they themselves would eat you if they had the chance? You’re telling me that you refuse to eat an animal product because these animals are treated poorly…right….so not consuming milk because a cow is bieng milked for 10 hours a day is a damn good reason….

I understand vegetarians who are against animal cruelty and choose not to eat meats. But not somebody who will avoid a chocolate bar because it contains a by product of an animal that was probably so chemically altered that it does not retain any original form or anatomy of the animal anymore. Come on, be smart.

 

Eat everything in moderation.