The Coffee Runner

Staying sane one cup of coffee at a time

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I’m baaaaaaack

Oh…hello there. I have returned to Earth from the deep soils of life and death. I’ve been busy wandering through this terminal disease and staring blankly into nothingness. But I, the great host to all things sarcasm, coffee and fitness has returned! On that note, I hope all is well with everyone in the blog community and props to those upholding a current blog. You all clearly have better time mamagement skills that me. That, or your priorities are in line. Or maybe you just sit on your PC for ten hours at a stretch. It’s all good, etiher way…I commend you.

So, no more babbling, let’s get to it. I need to start blogging again, every day if I can. (Make that a 2015 goal, huh?) I want my posts to mean something, to be intuitive and thought provoking. I want my fingers to move across keys like gliding…wait…no more poetic malarky. Sorry. AHEM! My posts are going to consist of mainly puzzling/bizzarre and comical life situations we all find ourselves in. These are situations that happen daily, all the time, to everyone. Not many people realize it, or pay attention to notice what’s going on around them, but I do. Call it a sixth sense maybe, but I can detect when somebody is feeling uncomfortable, or when someone doesn’t seem to register that ordering fifty five cupcakes and eight cappuccinos while there’s a line of twelve people behind you is not socially acceptable. BUT IT HAPPENS, RIGHT? Think about it. You’re in your car waiting for a parking spot and you’re about to steal that one, RIGHT there, and then Chuckie Mcgee zooms right in, BOOM. You’re screwed. Or when you make a bee line to one specific item in a grocery store (often something archaeic, organic, or otherwise an unknown ingredient in cooking cuisine) and five people flock to gather around it as if it’s the last one on Earth.  It happens guys.

As much as I want to deliver comic relief, I also intend for this to provide factual information on certain topics. Currently, this will include drug and alcohol addiction and treatment as well as the psychology behind addiction. I’ve had a change in thinking after understanding that a close family of mine had suffered, and is still suffering from this disease. Yes, it is a disease. But more on that later…

I’ve been reading more, and when I read, I am voracious. I devour books. It’s like a binge and purge type thing with me. I should brecome more consistent, maybe another goal for 2015.?

This will still remain a place for satire and laughs. I will offer my opinion on current events that I find absurd or tittilating. (hah) But as much as I want to maintain my comic audience (if any), I want this to be a place where my thoughts can grow without interruption. I want people to learn from this blog and to consider life from the other side of the road. It’s an all encompassing blog, really, and more so a place where I can let my thoughts wander, sans eight different people gathering around and waiting to pluck it from its source.


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Wow. So, I just read through all of my old blog posts and I must say I’m quite impressed with myself. I wrote almost every day about something new, something exciting, something humorous. I was pretty damn good! I don’t know why I ever stopped! But I just came across one of my very first blog posts that was about the fitness craze and all of the pet peeves that go along with it. In one of them, I describe people who post every picture of their deadlift or squat on instagram and their entire routine. I talk about how these are the same people who cease to run a 5k or train for a half marathon. I’m a hypocrite. I admit it. Because I fell into that same exact trap. It became addicting, hitting all those “PRs” (I talk about that too). I stopped running for a while and did little cardio for my “gains”. I walked around with bigger muscles and wanted to go heavier and heavier. Wow. I feel kind of shitty for saying that. I became exactly what I said I didn’t like. It’s kind of a shame…I mean I’m not dumping on these people. They have incredible strength but I need to remember MY roots. They have trained for countless hours and committed themselves to the sport of powerlifting or weight lifting. I on the other hand need to remember that I have committed myself to countless hours on the road both running and biking with lifting as a supplement. Those people wcouldn’t compete with me, nor I with them! Wow, I’m glad I read that post. After this injury is said and done I cannot wait to get back to running long distance. I miss that rush. I miss that high. I just want my body back.

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Can I Just Say Something?

People I want phased out:

Low talkers who think you’re sitting right next to them so they talk to themselves and down into their shirt

People who walk slow in restaurants admiring the scenery  and taking it all in. I’m hungry, move. As a server, my customers are hungry, so move. You came here to eat, right?

People who are constantly thinking about food and how it rules their entire life. Food rules my life too, I love to eat, but not in a “I have to eat clean and measure everything out or else I’m doomed” kind of way. Food is not meant to have numbers. Just fucking eat without guilt.

People who tap their feet on the floor when they sit behind you

People who tap their credit cards on the table while waiting for the cashier to finish ringing them up

People who like to throw big words into conversations that would otherwise never be used in regular conversations, only to look cool

The “Ums” and “like” people

Old people who stare at young people when an inch of flesh is showing

Young people who act as if the world is their stripping stage

Overbearing husbands

Overly conscious and calculated fitness nerds who post everything on every social media site and feel entitled.

To go along with that, fitness enthusiasts who feel that they are somehow “certified” to teach/train other people.

People who don’t move out of the way when you’re card shopping. Or when you need just that one carton of orange juice that they happen to be conveniently standing in front of

People who come to dine in ten minutes before the restaurant closes and feel it is their right to eat whenver they want as long as the sign says “open”


I think that’s it for now. I know I’ll think of more later in the next hour.


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Fitness Craze

This is something that I feel needs to be said. I am not one to belittle or judge others for their hobbies, interests, and most importantly, major life decisions. However, it has come to my attention that a lot of us, some of us entirely unaware, have become, for lack of a better word consumed by how we look. I’m not talking vanity. I’m talking about compulsion. Self obsession. Abandoning family affairs and friendly outings to spend hours upon hours trying to improve the very image that makes you special. The image that, to you, can always be better. Sure, I’m an advocate for self improvement. I run (a lot), I bike, hike, lift and eat relatively healthy. I compete in races and have goals just like the rest of us. But I don’t live inside a box, restricting myself and telling myself I can and cannot have this or that. I make time for what matters. Occasionally, yes, I find that I am consumed with myself and need to take two steps back to evaluate where I really stand. But I am not bound to a life of tupperware and scales. What I am about to explain might be familiar to some of you, and for some this may be exactly you. Anyway, here is what I DO not like about the newest, latest and greatest “fitness” craze.


1. Tupperware.

First, carrying around tupperware containers everywhere you go is not cool. Those are to be left in the cabinets of your kitchen or for picnic outings. The occasional to go lunch is alright, but in this day and age isn’t Subway easy enough? Tupperware is used for leftovers, not actual meals. Stop meal prepping. Stop toting around these bite sized containers of chicken and broccoli. Nobody cares about your sweet potato that took six hours to bake. Meal prepping and tupperware containers should be left at home. 

2. Counting Macros

Additionally, why count your food intake? Okay, if you want to lose weight, you are going to need to cut calories EVERYWHERE. These people who say “WELL IF IT GODDAMN FITS YOUR MACROS THEN IT’S FAIR GAME.” Sure, you may end up with beastly quads or lats the size of Texas, but what about deep down? High cholesterol? Diabetes? Mood swings? High triglycerides? Liver disease? I’m sure pounding that froyo seems like a good idea at the time, and yeah, instagrammers love it. But if you’re really concerned about your health and truly want to change your body, you can’t just pound chocolate and ice cream. I don’t care if you “eat clean” 80% of the time as a disclaimer. This isn’t license to indulge in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Also, food is not meant to be weighed. Are you really that person at the party who can’t order anything but seared chicken and broccoli because you’re nsure whether or not it “fits your macros?” You’re really going to have an anxiety attack because you had an “untracked” bowl of cereal? Even though you were going to pass out any minute and needed food? Come on. Stop counting these “macros” and just eat real food. If you’re trying to lose weight, cut all calories from all food sources. If you’re trying to build muscle, stop claiming you can eat “whatever” and “lol gainz” because in ten years, your heart and liver might not be looking so hot.

3. Not doing cardio

Okay hot shot. Let’s see you run a mile. HAHALOLZMYGAINZBUTFUCKCARDIO. Let’s see you get on that two wheeler and bike five miles up that hill, champ? Miss, I only do 20 minutes of HIIT cardio and just lift heavy “as fuck”. Okay, you can squat 250 for a girl, impressive. Those monster quads you got now? Keep em up when you’re fifty. Let’s see how your heart’s doing then. Guys, it’s not hard. Just balance it out. I lift too. But unless you are an Olympic fucking weightlifter or are a SERIOUS powerlifter with credentials…shut up and do some fucking cardio. Run a few miles, it’s not that hard. It will benefit you. You’re not cool for just lifting. This whole “girls lifting heavy shit”? Whatever happened to 5ks and 13.1? I still do that, and I don’t feel any different. Where’s the sense of accomplishment in feeling bloated all the time and feeling like you can’t even put one foot in front of the other. Do you want to retain water 24/7? You know, you can walk until you’re 100. But all of that heavy lifting will end one day.

4. Posting every fucking goddamn workout or lift you do on instagram.

Who’s taking these pictures anyway? Do you ask somebody? Or do you drag your friend along? Let me guess, they carry your tupperware containers too. Oh, they’re also weighing out your food too so you can hit that anabolic window after hitting your PR. Lol. PR. And all these abbreviations. Stop. Just say personal best. Unless you fell or were injured in a funny way, I don’t want to see the same picture of you squatting or deadlifting.


These are just a few of my pet peeves. But before I make any more enemies, I shall stop here.