The Coffee Runner

Staying sane one cup of coffee at a time


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I’m baaaaaaack

Oh…hello there. I have returned to Earth from the deep soils of life and death. I’ve been busy wandering through this terminal disease and staring blankly into nothingness. But I, the great host to all things sarcasm, coffee and fitness has returned! On that note, I hope all is well with everyone in the blog community and props to those upholding a current blog. You all clearly have better time mamagement skills that me. That, or your priorities are in line. Or maybe you just sit on your PC for ten hours at a stretch. It’s all good, etiher way…I commend you.

So, no more babbling, let’s get to it. I need to start blogging again, every day if I can. (Make that a 2015 goal, huh?) I want my posts to mean something, to be intuitive and thought provoking. I want my fingers to move across keys like gliding…wait…no more poetic malarky. Sorry. AHEM! My posts are going to consist of mainly puzzling/bizzarre and comical life situations we all find ourselves in. These are situations that happen daily, all the time, to everyone. Not many people realize it, or pay attention to notice what’s going on around them, but I do. Call it a sixth sense maybe, but I can detect when somebody is feeling uncomfortable, or when someone doesn’t seem to register that ordering fifty five cupcakes and eight cappuccinos while there’s a line of twelve people behind you is not socially acceptable. BUT IT HAPPENS, RIGHT? Think about it. You’re in your car waiting for a parking spot and you’re about to steal that one, RIGHT there, and then Chuckie Mcgee zooms right in, BOOM. You’re screwed. Or when you make a bee line to one specific item in a grocery store (often something archaeic, organic, or otherwise an unknown ingredient in cooking cuisine) and five people flock to gather around it as if it’s the last one on Earth.  It happens guys.

As much as I want to deliver comic relief, I also intend for this to provide factual information on certain topics. Currently, this will include drug and alcohol addiction and treatment as well as the psychology behind addiction. I’ve had a change in thinking after understanding that a close family of mine had suffered, and is still suffering from this disease. Yes, it is a disease. But more on that later…

I’ve been reading more, and when I read, I am voracious. I devour books. It’s like a binge and purge type thing with me. I should brecome more consistent, maybe another goal for 2015.?

This will still remain a place for satire and laughs. I will offer my opinion on current events that I find absurd or tittilating. (hah) But as much as I want to maintain my comic audience (if any), I want this to be a place where my thoughts can grow without interruption. I want people to learn from this blog and to consider life from the other side of the road. It’s an all encompassing blog, really, and more so a place where I can let my thoughts wander, sans eight different people gathering around and waiting to pluck it from its source.

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Growing up

Ugh. I never thought it would be this….heavy. Carrying all of this weight as an adult. I never thought I’d be in such a rut…both mentally, physically and financially. You always hear about that stories, but never imagine it could happen to you. I feel anxious, like I should be doing more. Thoughts racing. I went back to Lexapro to ease my anxiety so hopefully in a week I’ll be a bit more stable. Plus, I go back to my old job today which I’m kind of happy about.

See, I took on a new job and I’m really happy about it. The people are great, the job itself is okay…but I feel like I’m just moving laterally in life. I’m not moving forward…you know? College degree and two restaurant jobs…it’s not exactly what I’d call successful. I know it takes time and I’m being hard on myself…but I’m worried that I’ll just fade into this for years to come…

There’s also the fact that I’m not entirely sure or motivated in what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I have ideas and I’ll tell people “Oh yeah, I wanna be this or get into this” but then I’m like…what do I REALLY want to achieve. I’m incredibly capable. I’m bright enough. I’m witty. But I’m too conscious and too aware of what people are thinking at all times. I become sort of stuck in what other people are thinking of me and my decisions and fixate on that which ultimately leads to my downfall.

I’m at a point now where I’m just floating. I’m floating at work, floating in life. I wish I were back in school. I wish I had persued something different, like medicine or something practical. I wish I could re-do my degree. I’d certainly focus on the sciences. Sigh. Something will fall…


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Hypocrite

Wow. So, I just read through all of my old blog posts and I must say I’m quite impressed with myself. I wrote almost every day about something new, something exciting, something humorous. I was pretty damn good! I don’t know why I ever stopped! But I just came across one of my very first blog posts that was about the fitness craze and all of the pet peeves that go along with it. In one of them, I describe people who post every picture of their deadlift or squat on instagram and their entire routine. I talk about how these are the same people who cease to run a 5k or train for a half marathon. I’m a hypocrite. I admit it. Because I fell into that same exact trap. It became addicting, hitting all those “PRs” (I talk about that too). I stopped running for a while and did little cardio for my “gains”. I walked around with bigger muscles and wanted to go heavier and heavier. Wow. I feel kind of shitty for saying that. I became exactly what I said I didn’t like. It’s kind of a shame…I mean I’m not dumping on these people. They have incredible strength but I need to remember MY roots. They have trained for countless hours and committed themselves to the sport of powerlifting or weight lifting. I on the other hand need to remember that I have committed myself to countless hours on the road both running and biking with lifting as a supplement. Those people wcouldn’t compete with me, nor I with them! Wow, I’m glad I read that post. After this injury is said and done I cannot wait to get back to running long distance. I miss that rush. I miss that high. I just want my body back.


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Well it’s been a while

It has been quite some time since my last entry on here. Probably over a month, yeah. Apologies about that but…life gets in the way you know? Anyway, so I just feel like writing this all down today because I need these thoughts out on paper….”paper” as opposed to swirling around inside my own head.

First things first, I’m injured. It’s awful. It’s been present for about 5 days now. It’s been lingering for well over a week and though the pain seems to be fading it’s still quite bothersome. I can’t run, I can’t squat, I can’t bike. It’s a hip flexor/joint injury. I’m chalking it up to running on tight hips and loading too much weight on without properly stretching before squats. Hopefully this will heal in the next few days, maybe not to 100%, but by mid October I’d like to be running my usual mileage again.

This means I may not be able to participate in the Hartford Half…something that kind of saddens me. I’ve wanted to run in this race for a while now, but I don’t want to perpetuate the injury. Sigh, decisions, decisions.

Anyway, so that’s kind of a pain in the ass and I’m letting it rest and getting enough stretching in but every morning I wake up and put weight on it it seems worse. It gets better after morning time and worse at evening. I just want to be able to jump out of bed and go, you know? Come on body! Heal quicker!!! This also means that I haven’t been able to play tennis with nmy dad for a bit. We’ve developed a routine of waking early and going to the high  school to play. I’m  hoping by next week I’m able to get out there. I really miss the fresh morning air and running around…

 

Secondly, school has begun for college kids which means the gym is packed. ALL THE TIME. Mostly with guys standing around the mirrors flexing and admiring but…whatever. It just means more maneuvering. It’s also frustrating not to lift heavy. So…frustrating…

 

I’ve been on the hunt for a full time job for a while now. I have two part time restaurant jobs that treat me well, but again I’ve been out of both for over a week due to my hip. I don’t want to work in a restaurant for the rest of my life…it’s just an in between job and although I love the people there it’s not something I want to make my career, you know? Sigh…

It’s crazy. Employers want people who are “experienced” but they don’t seem to understand that there’s no such thing as an “experienced college student”. And guess what? All of those internship opportunities? YEAH THEY’RE BULLSHIT. I’m not learning how to push papers and file here guys. It’s aggravating. It doesn’t help us actually learn the details and nuts and bolts of the job we want. Half the time we end up choosing a different path than we had initially intended entirely anyway.

 

So last thing…my baby boy comes back in October. He’s been gone for over 8 months for the National Guard. He was in SC for basic and Virginia for his MOS training. I cannot WAIT to see him. Partially because I miss him to death, but also because I’m so FUCKING tired of men who think it’s OK to hit on women with boyfriends. They think they’re being cute by trying to “steal” our hearts away. NO. LEAVE US ALONE. WE’RE IN RELATIONSHIPS. FUCK OFF. You’re not charming. You’re only mildly attractive on the surface. You’ve faded. You don’t know me and never will. You’ll never have my heart.

I’ll see ya’ll on the flip side


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Motivation

So lately I’ve been kind of in a weird state when it comes to my workouts and life in all forms. I’ve sort of abandoned all routine and structure and am content with just letting things ride. It’s making me mentally more at peace but also a bit anxious as well. I keep thinking that I’m not getting anything done and that my level of productivity is nowhere near where it used to be. I have this head fog going on and I feel as though I’m just kind of meandering through life.

Then again, I’m calmer and more relaxed and much more efficient than I used to be so it’s kind of a paradox. The more I seem to think I’m incapable of getting anything done and the more I get anxious, the more I realize I’m calmer and more efficient than ever before. This goes for everything going on in my life.

I have also restructured my entire workout routine and no longer include running six miles every day. Maybe 4 every other day. Lifting has taken over, and I’ve been trying to stretch and do a bit more yoga as well to aid in mobility. Lifting has really given me the phyiscal and mental strength of moving forward and being happy and truly seeing progress. Sometimes I fall behind and feel as though I’m just floating, but then I re evaluate the situation and realize that I’m the one who holds most clarity over the people I associate with.

At times I feel numb, and at times I feel like my mental capacity for people with little ambition is steadily closing, but then I realize…they do have goals, just different than my own. they may not wear their goals on their sleeve. They are also not trying to compete with anyone, most importantly themselves. I have to learn to remain at peace with myself and maintain a steady balance of fun, work and play. I like to go out but I also crave my alone time and solitude. I lose myself if I don’t get that.

For example, right now I feel at great peace. I’m home, in my living room, sipping coffee and stretching before my lifts. It provides me with the strength and motivation. It’s a steady voice in my head that says, “keep going.” Mental endurance, you know? It’s helped my push through my toughest runs, heaviest lifts, and worst hangovers. It’s all in my head.

But really, I think it’s just a balancing act, as with everything. It’s better to realize that now than later. I CAN do it all, but just not all at once. I am learning not to obsess or worry over small issues because I always pull through in the end. If I feel weak or fat or dumb or fuzzy, I know that my body and mind will recover. I just have to give them time. I need to provide nourishment to both body and soul. I know I will be alright, and it’s that steadfast attitude that has gotten me to where I currently stand.

I no longer stress over cardio or eating entirly healthy all the time because I know I will eventually get back on track. I know that I can just drink water and rest and my body will repair itself. I know now that I don’t have to put my body through strenuous workouts every day and every hour. I’ve learned it’s OK to eat and indulge here and there. I can eat pizza or chips or ice cream or bagels because I WILL use that enegy as a fuel source and my body actually NEEDS it.

I think it’s just finding that balance and feeling comfortable with what you have, physically, and mentally.


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New Beginnings

So…I’m kind of stuck in a fitness rut. After completing the duathlon, I want to return to my normal routine of high intensity cardio and weight training. I can see that I’m losing muscle in my legs. They used to look strong and mighty and now they’re smaller. Maybe more lean? Regardless…I cannot wait to get back to the gym to lift. (Of course it doesn’t open until 11) But I can’t wait to be hitting lifting PR’s again and cleaning that bar. I cannot WAIT to deadlift and bench and do pull ups again. Ugh. My body is drained of cardio. I’m losing shape. I look leaner but I want that butt and legs back.


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The Aftermath

So post Duathlon…well let’s just say that yesterday was a VERY long day. I woke around 3:50 and headed out around 4:45 to arrive at 5:45 and get my body marked and bike set up in transition. Parents and I walked around the lake and checked out where I’d be starting. The horn sounded and off we ran for the first 2.85 miles. It was easy and hilly. The 25 miles on the bike was dreadful. Like. I had no idea how fucking hilly that shit was going to be. Coupled with the fact that my bike seat was not high enough so I couldn’t gain leverage going up hills, I have short ass legs, I’m not conditioned to biking Litchfield hills, and I don’t own a fucking 4,000$ bike with an aerodynamic helmet. But yeah, bike was awful and took me much longer than expected. NO MILE MARKERS so I had no idea whether I was on mile 5 or mile 18. The roads were alright, but very craggly and the hills were just brutal. People had to walk their bikes up, it was bad. So, at this point I’m like FUCK ME I am not going to be able to finish this 6.2 mile run. But I got off the bike, tired as hell, drained my gatorade for like 5 gulps and headed out with my tired legs and portable water bottle.

 

THEY HAD JUST RUN DOWN A JAGGED, NARROW, LOG FILLED, ROCK FILLED TRAIL THE FIRST MILE AND THEN TAKE A SHARP FUCKING LEFT UPHILL. Not cool. My legs were jello. Around mile 2 I adjusted and kept consistent, rising pace with a girl my age. We kept passing one another. Around mile 5 I knew it was almost ending and I felt good. Mile 6 I had a shot of adrenaile and suddenly wasn’t tired anymore. I finished in 3 hours but was exhausted and sore. I feel accomplished but a tad disappointed. I want to do this distance again, but with much more biking practice. The runs were excellent, but the course and bike were not. So overall an 8/10 day. The weather was beautiful and we stopped for burgers and beer after! Then I napped…a looooong time. So yeah, duathlon? I shall see you again, in the future.