The Coffee Runner

Staying sane one cup of coffee at a time


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Growing up

Ugh. I never thought it would be this….heavy. Carrying all of this weight as an adult. I never thought I’d be in such a rut…both mentally, physically and financially. You always hear about that stories, but never imagine it could happen to you. I feel anxious, like I should be doing more. Thoughts racing. I went back to Lexapro to ease my anxiety so hopefully in a week I’ll be a bit more stable. Plus, I go back to my old job today which I’m kind of happy about.

See, I took on a new job and I’m really happy about it. The people are great, the job itself is okay…but I feel like I’m just moving laterally in life. I’m not moving forward…you know? College degree and two restaurant jobs…it’s not exactly what I’d call successful. I know it takes time and I’m being hard on myself…but I’m worried that I’ll just fade into this for years to come…

There’s also the fact that I’m not entirely sure or motivated in what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I have ideas and I’ll tell people “Oh yeah, I wanna be this or get into this” but then I’m like…what do I REALLY want to achieve. I’m incredibly capable. I’m bright enough. I’m witty. But I’m too conscious and too aware of what people are thinking at all times. I become sort of stuck in what other people are thinking of me and my decisions and fixate on that which ultimately leads to my downfall.

I’m at a point now where I’m just floating. I’m floating at work, floating in life. I wish I were back in school. I wish I had persued something different, like medicine or something practical. I wish I could re-do my degree. I’d certainly focus on the sciences. Sigh. Something will fall…


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Hypocrite

Wow. So, I just read through all of my old blog posts and I must say I’m quite impressed with myself. I wrote almost every day about something new, something exciting, something humorous. I was pretty damn good! I don’t know why I ever stopped! But I just came across one of my very first blog posts that was about the fitness craze and all of the pet peeves that go along with it. In one of them, I describe people who post every picture of their deadlift or squat on instagram and their entire routine. I talk about how these are the same people who cease to run a 5k or train for a half marathon. I’m a hypocrite. I admit it. Because I fell into that same exact trap. It became addicting, hitting all those “PRs” (I talk about that too). I stopped running for a while and did little cardio for my “gains”. I walked around with bigger muscles and wanted to go heavier and heavier. Wow. I feel kind of shitty for saying that. I became exactly what I said I didn’t like. It’s kind of a shame…I mean I’m not dumping on these people. They have incredible strength but I need to remember MY roots. They have trained for countless hours and committed themselves to the sport of powerlifting or weight lifting. I on the other hand need to remember that I have committed myself to countless hours on the road both running and biking with lifting as a supplement. Those people wcouldn’t compete with me, nor I with them! Wow, I’m glad I read that post. After this injury is said and done I cannot wait to get back to running long distance. I miss that rush. I miss that high. I just want my body back.


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Well it’s been a while

It has been quite some time since my last entry on here. Probably over a month, yeah. Apologies about that but…life gets in the way you know? Anyway, so I just feel like writing this all down today because I need these thoughts out on paper….”paper” as opposed to swirling around inside my own head.

First things first, I’m injured. It’s awful. It’s been present for about 5 days now. It’s been lingering for well over a week and though the pain seems to be fading it’s still quite bothersome. I can’t run, I can’t squat, I can’t bike. It’s a hip flexor/joint injury. I’m chalking it up to running on tight hips and loading too much weight on without properly stretching before squats. Hopefully this will heal in the next few days, maybe not to 100%, but by mid October I’d like to be running my usual mileage again.

This means I may not be able to participate in the Hartford Half…something that kind of saddens me. I’ve wanted to run in this race for a while now, but I don’t want to perpetuate the injury. Sigh, decisions, decisions.

Anyway, so that’s kind of a pain in the ass and I’m letting it rest and getting enough stretching in but every morning I wake up and put weight on it it seems worse. It gets better after morning time and worse at evening. I just want to be able to jump out of bed and go, you know? Come on body! Heal quicker!!! This also means that I haven’t been able to play tennis with nmy dad for a bit. We’ve developed a routine of waking early and going to the high  school to play. I’m  hoping by next week I’m able to get out there. I really miss the fresh morning air and running around…

 

Secondly, school has begun for college kids which means the gym is packed. ALL THE TIME. Mostly with guys standing around the mirrors flexing and admiring but…whatever. It just means more maneuvering. It’s also frustrating not to lift heavy. So…frustrating…

 

I’ve been on the hunt for a full time job for a while now. I have two part time restaurant jobs that treat me well, but again I’ve been out of both for over a week due to my hip. I don’t want to work in a restaurant for the rest of my life…it’s just an in between job and although I love the people there it’s not something I want to make my career, you know? Sigh…

It’s crazy. Employers want people who are “experienced” but they don’t seem to understand that there’s no such thing as an “experienced college student”. And guess what? All of those internship opportunities? YEAH THEY’RE BULLSHIT. I’m not learning how to push papers and file here guys. It’s aggravating. It doesn’t help us actually learn the details and nuts and bolts of the job we want. Half the time we end up choosing a different path than we had initially intended entirely anyway.

 

So last thing…my baby boy comes back in October. He’s been gone for over 8 months for the National Guard. He was in SC for basic and Virginia for his MOS training. I cannot WAIT to see him. Partially because I miss him to death, but also because I’m so FUCKING tired of men who think it’s OK to hit on women with boyfriends. They think they’re being cute by trying to “steal” our hearts away. NO. LEAVE US ALONE. WE’RE IN RELATIONSHIPS. FUCK OFF. You’re not charming. You’re only mildly attractive on the surface. You’ve faded. You don’t know me and never will. You’ll never have my heart.

I’ll see ya’ll on the flip side