The Coffee Runner

Staying sane one cup of coffee at a time

This is What We Look Like

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Apologies for the absence on here. Life in the way and such. I also haven’t found the motivation to actually sit down and write a blog post. Now, I have the motivation to cook myself breakfast, brew myself a lovely cup of coffee and go to the gym…but yes when it comes to writing I in fact…am a lazy piece of muck. Or shit. Yeah.

I came home from work one night and talked to my dad about the idiocracy of human interaction. It’s hilarious. It’s ludicrous, really. I’m talking about how we respond or react to every day situations. From an outsider looking in, it’s utter amusement, but for the poor soul enduring this common dilemma, it’s nothing but frustration and incredulity.

If you’re not catching my drift just yet, don’t worry…this isn’t something that a majority of the population will understand. But I have faith in you fellow WordPressers and might go as far to say that I can confide in you guys when it comes to these types of situations. Can we empathize a bit here? Let’s begin

Scenario 1: The Immovable Man

Ever notice that when you’re on a mission to get to a certain object, there’s one person (usually an older folk) who seems to be super glued to the exact location you need to be in in order to reach that product. Example: my dad was attempting to reach the Orange juice one day in a grocery store, and this one older gentlemen appeared to be bolted to the ground, inspected each carton methodically for its listed ingredients. Buddy, let me tell you what’s in orange juice…ORANGE JUICE. Tropicana, Minute Maid, it’s all the same. Can you please have the courtesy to move yourself a few inches over so other people can reach this juice without having to launch themselves over you? Oh, and don’t glare at us as if we’re in the way. Please, just stop.

Scenario 2: The Congregation

Similar to the first situation is the problem of multiple people being where you want to be at the exact moment you want to be there. Example: my dad again was at Home Depot in search of a fence and wiring system. Nothing interesting. The farthest corner of the store, dark and dreary, where NOBODY ever is…and guess what? At this exact moment about five non English speaking people are gathered arlound the fencing accessories, discussing the fence and examining every inch of each product. The fact that they did not speak English is not the point..the point is that they are RIGHT THERE WHEN YOU WANT TO BE THERE. How many times have you ever walked into a store, know what you wanted, have made a specific bee line to that product and found yourself behind a group of people huddled around the EXACT location of that product? It’s truly unbelievable.

Scenario 3: The Hustler

Okay, I know I’m not alone on this one. How many times have you found yourself in line ready to pay for something, calmly waiting your turn, and a person waltzes up behind you only to ATTACH themselves to you and stand so closely that you can taste their deoderant. (let’s hope) WHAT IS THIS. When I am in line behind someone, I give them about a foot of room. Wasn’t this rule established in like second grade? The bubble principle? Don’t go into my bubble. If I have to wait, SO DO YOU. Stop shuffling your feet, clearing your throat, and lurching over me and trying to see how long the person in front of me is going to take. YOU HAVE TO WAIT THIS ISN’T IMMEDIATE SERVICE. Also, after I have completed my order and turn around, do not be surprised if I bump into you and say, “Oh, excuse me” in an unapologetic tone. I bet these people are the same people who use coupons at restaurants and try to get every item discounted at the grocery store as well. YOU CAN’T RUSH ME AND THEN EXPECT TO GET 89 CENTS OFF YOUR GODDAMN CUCUMBER BUNDLE. Fuck off.

Scenario 4: The Cellulars

If I’m in line behind you at a department store (especially these, my god) DO NOT YAK ON YOUR GODDAMN CELL PHONE FOR TEN MINUTES WHILE TRYING TO EXCHANGE 856 DIFFERENT ITEMS. This is the opposite of the problem listed above. You are the type of person who will not only gab away on your phone the entire time, but will insist that you have a coupon or store credit card somewhere in your purse while I’m standing there with a pair of socks. Do not be this person. Be courteous.

Scenario 5: Chatty Cathies

In the dentist chair, at the hair salon, the oil change, the manicure place. JUST DO YOUR JOB AND SPEAK WHEN IT PERTAINS TO THE JOB. Okay, yeah, a casual “hey, how ya doin?” is fine. Ask me about what I’m doing, even though I’ll respond in the high pitched “Oh yeah, you know, just finished school, looking for a real job” every time. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. And no, I don’t really care to hear about your life either. You’re my hairdresser. You’re my dentist. You’re my beautician. I see you for a specific reason when I need to see you. Oh, and if you’re giving me a massage, do not say more than “Is this too hard?” Please. A casual hello and how are you and BRIEF small talk before the job begins is alright. DO NOT insist on telling me your life story then and there. I am then forced to have a fixed smile on my face while nodding my head as I think “shut the f*** up”. It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes you seem desperate.

 

I will most likely complete this and have more examples to add throughout the week. These are just some of the pet peeves I have with society. I try to be BRUTALLY aware of not doing any of these things. Occasionally, I get it, we all slip, but there’s this thing called common courtesy, and I think a lot of us could benefit from it. So, in conclusion, don’t be that guy.

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Author: Shelby Akers

I'm Shelby. I'm 22. I like running , biking, lifting heavy weights, good reads, making music, writing stories, drinking beer, drinking gin, drinking wine and good fucking coffee. Balance and moderation are the keys to life.

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