The Coffee Runner

Staying sane one cup of coffee at a time


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My Battle with Depression

So, I haven’t revealed what I really go through on a day to day basis, but I’m about to tell you all a whole helluva lot about myself…and what it’s like to be inside my head. ‘Ere goes.

The thing about depression is it never really goes away. It’s just a lingering air of empty feelings that you can’t locate, not even with a microscopic lens and all of the technology in the world. It’s not like chicken pox, where it can be cured. It’s more of a slow forming disease. It begins with its physical debilitation, cutting off all feeling from your extremeties and then slowly moves towards the emotional receptors in your brain which begin to shut down. Everything becomes blank. You no longer are happy with simple pleasures like food or good sex or a good book to read. It becomes a chore. Mundane tasks are obstacles, an avalanche. The slightest wrong tone in somebody’s voice can make you feel as though you’ve just committed murder. Worthless. 

It’s worse because if you’re anything like me, you also most likely struggle with anxiety. Anxiety and depression are highly associated and often are never far apart. They play off one another and compound until you’re really just a manic anxious depressive individual. You think about how depressed you are which makes you anxious, which then makes you even more depressed and you then get so fed up that you do something you regret on impulse. You become numb to feeling. Numb to sensation both mental and physical. Feeling blank is something you’re too familiar with. Often happy moments are quickly trampled by impending doom of the future.

Depression is never an easy thing to explain. It leaves your tongue tied and your palms sweaty. Trying to explain to somebody who says “but I don’t get it…why are you so depressed? Just stop being depressed?” is like pulling teeth. You have everything you’ve ever wanted, right? So why are you sad? Oh, it’s just a phase, right….no. Depression lingers. It stays with you. It has triggers. Those triggers are small, but they are powerful. They can send you into the abyss, void of emotion, entirely obsolete. You become fluid in your motion, day in and day out that nothing has meaning, or purpose. The reason for your existence ceases to be a question. You contemplate what it would be like if you were to die, but then again, you kind of enjoy your ho hum life. So you stick around in the hopes that something better will arrive and you remain in limbo floating through until that day never comes. It never comes.

It doesn’t have to be traumatic either. You don’t need a death in the family. Or reasons really at all. You don’t need a script or rubric. It just happens. Sometimes it is caused by something else, and other times it may just be a wholly apathetic and unsatisfied outlook on life. That second one seems to confuse people. “But why? Life is soooo great!” As Mr. Hemingway said, “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” Not to say we’re all martyrs and self depricators…we just can’t control it, really…

Having depression is a weight. A weight that may lessen and grow, it might disappear for a week or two, and become shielded by a false hope that everything will be okay again. A false sense of security perhaps being the most disheartening feeling. You spend time doing what you love, being with those that care for you, attempting to live a fulfilling, purposeful life. Yet you have that plague. That weight. A crowded room with empty stares. A full house with nobody home. A heavy heart and a blank mind. 

This isn’t everything guys, perhaps just one part of two or three. But this is just a taste of what depression feels like. 

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My best thoughts

I think some of my best thoughts have been a product of lots of alcohol and the right kind of music. I get in that mood, you know? I think it happens to everybody, to be honest. I mean come on guys, when was the last time you just allowed your fingers to flow across the keys with ease (now we’re rhyming) ? It’s so simple after you’ve had a few drinks, man. It’s relaxing almost. It’s almost like…your soul is just set on fire and you’re swimming to nowhere. I’m sorry if I’m getting a bit out of hand, I just feel really good. I suppose it’s because I went for a 50 mile bike ride and a 4.5 mile run and then lifted heavy. Perhaps I’m on some sort of endorphin high. Maybe it’s the steak I just ate. Or the blue moon…or red wine. Or this fucking jam that’s got so much bass just surging through my cranium. Either way, drinking makes for the best stories, the best of moods and the best you can make of life. Enjoi.


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Life Problems

Lately I’ve been faced with a number of personal problems that I feel need to be shared either for the sake of sharing or for advice or whatever. Here’s the list:

1. I feel full after eating literally two bites of anything. It’s strange. It’s not like I’m rushing through meals either. I’m eating my normal diet which is 95% healthy. The other 5% is sweets which have never bothered me. I’m active as hell and usually can gobble down any meal. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been a little less active lately so maybe my body is adjusting to the lower calorie needs? Maybe it understands I don’t need an entire platter of wings or sushi to replenish my muscles. Hmm…

2. Following that, I haven’t been feeling too great lately either. I’ve felt either tired or sick or just queasy. I can’t move as fast as I used to and I don’t feel as strong. I’m getting enough sleep, definitely. Almost too much. I’m not eating anything different. I just feel…mentally and physically drained.

3. I haven’t been exercising nearly as much due to the fact that life gets in the way and I want my body to take a break from all of the constant stresses of exercising.

4. I feel like I am slowly losing sight of all of the hobbies I used to have interest in and floating through life. I thought I was well over this stage in high school and thought it was over but apparently not. I hate these days where I feel like I just floated through. And to be honest, I’m kind of tired of just doing nothing.

5. No spontaneity and nothing new is really starting to get to me.

6. I need to go on a long bike ride after this breakfast and feel renewed.

7. I want to be able to deadlift again and hit some new personal bests in my lifting routine

8. I want to be financially stable again and be able to pay off my student loans and receive my diploma. It’s bothering me that I just blow money on food and drink mostly. Coffee mostly, go figure. I need to be much more frugal with my money.

9. I want real friends, not just the type who talk about each other behind each others’ back or only enjoy your compnay when they’re under the influence. Real friends, the ones I had in high school.

10. Mostly,  I want my boyfriend to come home from Virginia. He’s in the Guard and is training down there. I want him home and safe and I want him in my arms.


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On more of a personal note

This is more a personal post, rather than something sarcastic, informative, opinionated or rant-based. So consider this a break from my normal posts and just enjoy.

 

I’ve been playing my guitar a lot more recently and it’s got me thinking….I could make some money doing this. I began playing guitar when I was maybe 10? 12? I’m self taught mostly, though I owe a great deal of my scale knowledge to a woman named Lin Belliveau. I mostly like chord progressions that mimic those of Indie artists. I’m not much into picking because I think that if you’re able to move somebody through three simple chords, that is much more impressive.

I’ve began learning a lot more covers of songs, but have strung together a few licks of my own. I want to try and maybe play at some cafes or something and make some extra cash on the side. I’ve never really told anybody this, but one of my biggest dreams is to sing in front of people. Anybody who will listen, really. It doesn’t have to be a stage, it could be a cafe or lounge. I just want to sing and play. I get such enjoyment from it. I am so glad I have rediscovered this instrument and its beauty.

I feel free when I’m playing and I love to improvise. That feeling of just having such power and grace and feeling connected to something that’s not alive. It kind of becomes you, honestly.

But seriously guys, I want to start to play out. I just have to get over my fear of playing in front of people. I need to step outside my comfort zone and go for it. I think I would a much happier person and feel better about my ability as a musician if I played in front of others. It would give me something to look forward to.

 


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Restaurants

So I recently saw a list of words on some website that have an entirely different meaning to servers and restaurant staff than they do regular civilians. Yes, we are our own separate breed. For those of you who have never worked in a restaurant or food and beverage industry…these terms may seem foreign to you, but to us…they are all just part of the job. Below are some common terms and phrases servers hear and know that can mean a hellish 6 hours awaits them.

 

Camping: An act that is typically a relaxing excursion to some remote place with a pool/lake and bike paths. You have campfires, drink plenty of beer and get away from reality.

What camping means for servers: When people sit with full water glasses at a table for an additional two hours after everything has been cleared off the table. These people often do not even have the courtesy to give the server their card. They just sit there chatting away (yes, 9 times out of ten they are indeed women) and they seem to have no idea of the amount of other people waiting for their seat. Also, if you are a reservation, that’s okay…but please understand that we need your table within a reasonable (2 hour) time limit.

 

The phrase “What’s good here?”

The appropriate response: “Well, I like some dishes better than others but there are some particular ones that have gotten great reviews…here, let me show you!”

What we want to say: “GEE. I DON’T KNOW YOU FUCK. EVERYTHING? I’M HUNGRY ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME. THAT’S LIKE WALKING INTO A CANDY STORE AND SAYING ‘WHAT’S GOOD HERE?’. NOPE SORRY. IT’S ALL SHIT AND EVERYTHING SUCKS. READ THE MENU. YOU FUCK.

 

Behind: Either referring to a person’s rear end or something that is posterior to something else

What Behind means for servers: We are literally right behind you and have a full tray of wine glasses and if you happen to be shuffling through and throwing dishes in the dirty bin and whirling around like a durbish without care, I will kill you. Stay two feet away.

 

The phrase “It’s his/her birthday!”

The appropriate response: “Oh, happy birthday! How old are you turning? I remember that age, awww so cute! We’ll have a special surprise for you if you eat all your vegetables!”

What we want to say: COOL. GREAT. YOU KNOW HOW MANY BIRTHDAYS THERE ARE TODAY? MILLIONS. SO YOU EXPECT THIS TO BE A SPECIAL DAY FOR YOUR KID? AND THEN YOU’RE GOING TO LEAVE ME 12% CAUSE I DIDN’T BRING THE CAKE OUT FAST ENOUGH AND SOME OF IT MELTED, RIGHT? WE HAVE TO STOP EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING FOR YOUR KID’S BIRTHDAY. WELL, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND TELL YOUR KID THAT SOMEDAY THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK ON THEIR BIRTHDAY AND SEE HOW THEY ACT THEN.

 

Tips: A generous donation out of your own pocket for our tremendous service.

What tips mean to servers : Our lifeline. give us more than two dollars. We cleaned up your kid’s mess, brought you extra sauce, offered you free dessert and remembered your order by memory without fail.

 

The phrase “Do you think that’s enough food for me?”

The appropriate response: “Well, I’m not sure, I mean to me it may not be enough because I’m always hungry (so true) but perhaps you might want to consider getting a side salad or soup before to fill you up!”

What we want to say: “NOPE. ORDER MORE. COME ON, HIKE UP THAT BILL WE WANT MORE MONEY BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA THAT WE’RE ACTUALLY JUST UPSELLING TO GET MORE OF A TIP.”

What we want to say part two: “I’M NOT YOUR STOMACH. I’M ALWAYS HUNGRY. I DON’T KNOW YOUR CALORIC NEEDS.”

 

Chef: A professional cook who knows the ins and outs of every single detail regarding food. An admired and respected individual who loves culinary

What a chef means to servers: Our best friend or our worst enemy. The fate of our tips.

 

The phrase “But can you tell the chef to substitute this for that? And I’m also allergic to this so none of that please”

The Appropriate response: “Sure! We can absolutely do that for you, no problem!”

What servers want to say: “Actually, our chefs speak little to no English (where I work) and will have an incredibly hard time deciphering your incredibly complex order and personal needs, so no, sorry, we cannot accomodate your meal.

What servers want to say part two: “GO MAKE THE MEAL YOURSELF. THIS ISN’T FROYOWORLD WHERE YOU CHOOSE THE TOPPINGS.”

 

So yes, these are only some of thes pesky irritants servers have to deal with on a regular basis. Of course, at some points I am overexaggerating, but really..at times…it gets to be enough and you begin to question your sanity and life decision on keeping the job.

 


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Why Rain Can Bring More Happiness Than Sunshine

To me, rain is a symbol for growth. It represents the fertility of all life. It brings forth new growth in foliage and nurtures the soil we so proudly walk upon. It provides water for the creatures that bound through forests and refreshes us after we’ve been barraged by sun for a week. It is beautiful. Sunshine makes me happy, indeed. Its rays that beam down on my face when I’m lying sprawled on the cool ground. It means ice cream, and long, hot bike rides and swimming with no direction. But the sun can’t make me reflect. It cannot make me stare out the window of my living room and say “Look how far I have come” It does not bring the sound of gentle and steady drops on the rooftop that cradle me to sleep. It does not offer me a shower or cleanse me of sins. It cannot reign forth thunder or lightning for added power. The sun itself is unable to generate a rainbow, it needs the rain. The sun cannot fill the lake with fresh water for the fish. The sun can kill you. Rain itself, cannot. You can’t get cancer from the rain (please no comments about acid rain). When it rains, it gives you the chance to catch up on things you really enjoy like reading, or playing an instrument, sleeping, listening to music, binge watching television. It’s calming. It washes away all of the pollen on cars and dirt on our faces. In every movie you’ve ever watched where people are suffering, rain is their savior. Rain is first to heal, and then the sun. When it rains, it reminds me of why I’m alive.


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Veganism and its Hazards to Health

Okay, so..I haven’t done TOO much research on Vegans and Veganism in general. However, I’d like to take a moment to recognize this “trend” that has people sprinting for faux velvet interior car designs and soy milk in their cereals. First, a true vegan is one who is Environmentally Earth conscious, not just with what they consume. True Veganism is not owning or purchasing any products that contain traces of animals in your home or elsewhere. It is not supporting or wearing makeup or clothing that was made using the bones, skins and secretions of animals. Gross, but true. Today, vegan seems to have become this blanketing term, or trendy outlet for people looking to fit in. It has become a symbol, or rather, an emblem of the Hipster crowd (toms shoes, mismatched clothing and a particular soft spot for Animal rights.) Look, if you really truly support saving the animals and believe that the companies who DO use animal testing are in fact harming these creatures, then I will indeed consider your beliefs valid. But if you’re vegan Monday-Friday and once the weekend comes around strap on your leather pumps, sleek leather peacoat and indulge in a couple sushi rolls Saturday night in a poor attempt to soak up the vodka tonic,…sorry you are not vegan.

Secondly, along with the faux vegans comes the belief that consuming animal meats is somehow hazardous to our health. Well, you probably would not be here if not for animals, and there would be a lot more eating disorders had animal meats not been a staple of most international diets today. Also, eating plants is not the most appealing meal after you’ve ran 13 miles or lifted a shit ton of weight (yes, personal anecdote) and want something that will satiate you. In fact, I recently read a story about a woman who switched over from a lifelong attachment to Veganism to consuming read meat weekly. She lost 10 lbs and said she was no longer anemic. Beef, chicken, fish, these are all LEAN meats that will not only sustain you and support muscle growth and recovery, but they TASTE BETTER THAN CHUNKS OF TOFU. Also, lean meats will help your body burn fat and contain essential amino acids and nutrients necessary for vital health.

I mean, I understand vegetarians. But vegans? You are doing yourself an inconvenience in more than one way. Both your health and your wallet are suffering. Yes, veganism costs more because the products need to be specifically made without animal products. So, you’re willing to starve yourself in an effort to save an animal when most likely they themselves would eat you if they had the chance? You’re telling me that you refuse to eat an animal product because these animals are treated poorly…right….so not consuming milk because a cow is bieng milked for 10 hours a day is a damn good reason….

I understand vegetarians who are against animal cruelty and choose not to eat meats. But not somebody who will avoid a chocolate bar because it contains a by product of an animal that was probably so chemically altered that it does not retain any original form or anatomy of the animal anymore. Come on, be smart.

 

Eat everything in moderation.